Sundays are for bemused reflection

This program, as I have noted numerous times, is incredibly rapid and oftentimes confusing because of the speed. I have no idea what it is we are going to be doing throughout next week. I state that as there is something exciting in having no set routine or expectation of what is to come.....and also because there is certainly something to be said for the opposite of that entirely. I sometimes miss knowing what Monday will be like and the likely trajectory through the end of day Friday. I miss the confidence that comes with knowing what the hell you are doing and the comfort of working with people that come to you because of that knowledge. This program is oftentimes like the first day of a new job......except that it continues every day. Always meeting new people and being put in new situations and, on top of that, with real patients who have real problems and aren't always terribly excited to have you around. There persists a constant low-level anxiety.

Because of the nature of the program, the labs only introduce you to most concepts, and then tersely at best. Truly, the lab mannequins, while anatomically accurate, are nonetheless not animate and therefore never the least bit begrudging when you fail at one skill or another, such as repeatedly shoving catheters into their nether regions, and have to try it again. This will undoubtedly not be the case when a real patient is involved unless they are amiable beyond comprehension or seriously sadistic. I can say with no hesitation that the bath we gave the mannequin did not compare very favorably with the one I gave my patient, that diapering a mannequin was significantly less unpleasant than diapering a person (especially when you have real feces involved), and that practicing needle sticks on an orange will leave me less than confident that I will find a vein on a person. Often, the labs approximate the real settings about as well as running three miles on a treadmill approximates a marathon under the summer sun or as well as using a calculator prepares you to use a computer, which is to say not at all.

I understand the limitations however, I just miss being confident about any aspect of what I do. It is a weird lost feeling I hadnt truly felt since the first day I walked into a classroom to teach. That surreal sense of knowing you look the part, but now being expected to act it.

I hope that everyone is doing well. I had better get back to my patient write-up. Lord knows what I would do if I actually had a free weekend anymore :)