Things are different

Last year at this time: Preparing for my fantasy football draft by reading up on player movement, team rosters, and player fantasy values.

This year: Draft set on auto.  Have no idea what the hell is going on.  Watching videos on cloth diapers and comparing hip snaps and adjustable elastic legs (seriously something is wrong with me!).

Last year this time: Need shampoo.  Buy whatever shampoo is on sale.

This year: Look at baby washes, compare them against the EWG website to ensure that nothing in that supposed 'natural and organic' wash is potentially toxic.  Spend 3 hours online comparing cost benefit for things to wash Quinn with.

Last year this time: Free and clear detergent.  Dryer sheets on sale.

This year: Learned what things like 'optical brighteners' are and how dryer sheets actually prevent static electricity.  Buying detergents like Nellie's and Crunchy Clean and questioning why other detergents have so many ingredients.  Using wool dryer balls.

Last year this time: Buy salsa at store.

This year: Pick tomatoes, peppers, onions, etc from garden.  Make own salsa.

Last year this time:  Happy Hour on the patio.

This year: Well, the pic says it all.

2 weeks

It has been nearly 2 weeks since my last post.  Seems both impossible and very very likely.  Honestly, it has been a hectic couple of weeks.

Quinn is still up and down depending on the day (and the time of day).  He has 'colic' very likely, but that isn't much of an actual diagnosis.  Basically it just means he is fussy and there is no medical reason why that is.  All they really know is that it goes away around months 3-4.  They sell a lot of treatments for it, and we have tried them, but none have any proven efficacy and none have worked for us.  He likes the treatments a lot though because they are mixed in sugar.  Everyone has their own suggestions as well, from putting him in a car seat on top of a running dryer to placing some karo syrup in the bottom of his bottle.  In all cases it 'worked for them'.

While we certainly appreciate the ideas, like grown people, babies are unique and seem to sooth in their own ways.  We have found that Quinn likes to be almost violently bounced in a manner that would appear downright abusive from afar.  He also needs to be burped far longer and more vigorously than I would assume is normal.  We have also tried hard to zero in on his cues which are still sometimes mysterious, but we are gradually translating them.  Worst case, only a few more months and this should pass.  God knows what comes next though!

As for work (I always circle around), it remains as much a jumble as before....perhaps more so.  On a positive note, they have placed an interim director and they are committed to getting us a manager by mid September.  There are many possible reasons why it has taken this long, but the most likely reasons are: A. They were paying our old manager a 6 month severance so they did not want to 'double pay' for the position and B. Evidently 6 months was the period of time they could not hire someone for the position without risking a potential lawsuit from our previous manager (I have no idea on what grounds this could be, but because they 'eliminated' her position as a means of removing her, they couldn't 'un-eliminate' it and hire someone else immediately).  Why all of this was necessary vs. just sitting down with her and letting her go for whatever reasons they decided it needed to happen is beyond me, but I can't say I see the bigger picture.  

As for my position, that is less clear.  They haven't yet found a replacement for me.  Of the 3 interviews they arranged, 2 accepted positions elsewhere prior to the interview date and the third neglected to show up at all.  Evidently they are going to try another round of interviews at the end of this month.  Somehow this is better/easier than allowing me to work part time and filling in the spots with a co-worker who already is assigned there every Wednesday and using an on-call or floating from another site (which they often have to do anyway due to census issues at peripheral sites) whatever other day they would like (I am malleable).  In the interim, I have 'accepted' the other position and been transferred per HR.  So, every time I clock in at my current job, I have to clock in as a float or else they will charge my time to the Park......you know, where I supposedly work.  In the meantime, I have been here there and everywhere and most definitely full time.  Just this past week I worked 2 days at EM, 2 at the Park, and one at our Vancouver site.  It is boggling.

They have yet to find a replacement for my supervisor as well, which is leaving the one remaining supervisor (she works 3-4 days a week) a LOT of time to catch up since there is no consistency to who is handing off to her.  Plus, it means we are often short on the floor.  It is every bit as awesome as it sounds.  

And finally, they are evidently working with another local hospital to create a new company that is likely going to swallow up all the clinics within the next year or 2.  This will create a myriad of concerns ranging from how patients are seen to how it will work for us as employees.  I won't bother trying to get into it here, as there is not enough information at present to bother with it, but you can imagine the complications of trying to mash together 2 different systems complete with their own physicians, nurses, charting, and procedures.  Most of the Park's staff are very concerned of course, but since there is little that can be done about it (and it is yet unknown if it might actually prove to be better or worse), there is little reason to fret about it in my opinion.

Quinn is calling.  More later.

rock, paper, scissors

Being back to work is difficult, and not just for me.  It certainly puts a HUGE onus on Tia to take care of Quinn.  She is responsible for him during work hours of course (including getting ready in the morning and travel time, that means she is on duty with Quinn from roughly 8-6) and then she has responsibility for the night shift as well since I have to be somewhat coherent and clear headed to deal with the medications I infuse.  I am therefore generally little to no help after 11 either.  I am sure that it cannot be easy.  There are no scheduled breaks, no real downtime, and no uninterrupted lunches.  Of course, I don’t exactly feel like dancing around after a day at work either, especially when I am still readjusting to it so it is difficult to walk in and want to take full responsibility for him when all you really want is a few minutes of peace to unwind.  In summation: we are both really effing tired.      

All would prove infinitely easier were Quinn to adopt an even semi-regular sleep pattern.   As you can imagine (if you have ever been around a newborn) it isn’t happening as yet.   From what I am told, it might be awhile before it does too (rumor has it 3-6 months).  Of course, by then we will both be working outside of the home, which will create its own obstacles (I foresee a lot of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ matches in the middle of the night).  

The good news is that none of this is unusual.  No matter who you talk to, every parent has been through it and all are happy to regale you with their experience.  It makes you wonder how anyone comes to the decision to do it a second time (or a third for that matter).  Aside from trauma induced amnesia, copious alcohol, straight up prophylactic bursting accidents, or unadulterated sadism, I can’t fathom how it happens.  Certainly with the first child you can disregard the tales, feign utter ignorance, or go forth incredulously believing you will somehow avoid the pratfalls of others, but with the second you have the luxury of your own experience.  One would assume your only response when asked about having another child would be emphatically stating ‘Hell no!”, punching the questioner squarely in the nose, or curling up in a fetal ball bawling loudly like a vet going through PTSD.  That isn’t to say the whole experience is bad, it just isn’t necessarily something I can imagine wanting to go through again.  I am sure there will be a time that I will look back wistfully on these days through the blurry soft-focus Vaseline coated lens of time, but for now I would trade it for a kid that could communicate his wants and needs in manner other than screaming.  

As for work, well that is moving forward in the lurching stop motion fashion of a zombie caught in a strobe light.  I heard today that they called off their ‘on-call’ help at the Park this week because they were told (as was I initially) I was going to be there starting today.  I also heard they are interviewing for my position here tomorrow.  As you can see, communication is a strength.  Hopefully things start coming together soon, because ideally it would be nice to transition over slowly allowing the new person the time and opportunity to learn, ask questions, and feel relatively comfortable before being here by themselves, but honestly as like as not they will just be thrown in the deep end to see if they can swim.  Because, god forbid we think ahead.  

  

Offer accepted (?)

Life is kind of a blur at the moment. 

I have returned to work and today Quinn is officially 1 month old (and -3 days old compared to his theoretical due date).  Though I feel fortunate to have been able to spend so much time at home with him to start (I was only planning on 2 weeks initially for financial reasons) and though it was far more difficult and exhausting than I imagined it to be, I can’t help but feel some guilt for not being there now.  I feel guilty that I am not there for Quinn of course, but mostly I feel guilty that so much is now being put on Tia shoulders.  I feel worse when I hear that it hasn’t been the best of days. 

Yesterday Tia told me she didn’t get lunch until 230 nor shower until after that because Quinn was fussy.  I ended up bringing home dinner, emptying the dishes, taking out the trash, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen and spending time with Quinn.  I don’t feel that Tia should have gotten to these things or that she was somehow deficient by doing anything other than existing and ensuring that Quinn did , I just feel terribly that I am not there to take some of the burden from her during the day.  Of course, after I am at work all day, I am tired too.  But, I fully understand her position.  It is a different kind of fatigue and stress when you can never have time to untether yourself from it. 

There isn’t much I can do about it of course.  On the one hand, it would be great for us both to be home taking care of Quinn and trying to help prop one another up.  On the other, it would be great to have the money to pay for food, shelter, and transportation.  Unfortunately, I haven’t found a way to accommodate both simultaneously.   So we split the difference presently: I work for income, Tia to keep Quinn alive.  At least through October anyways, when things will change once again.   

As for work, a curious thing happened while I was checking our online job listings; I evidently ‘accepted’ the position at the Park.  I did this the end of July.  This is, of course, is what we had hoped and worked towards.  However, I have never actually been officially (or for that matter unofficially) offered the position.  I also have only a vague idea based on some general thoughts from the staff there about which days they will want me to work.  Also, when will I start at the Park?  I have heard as soon as next week, but I nothing definitive.  And, of course, no one seems to actually know and there really isn't anyone definitive to ask. 

Additionally, they have yet to hire anyone for my present job(?) and when they do it is unclear if I or someone else will train them (and if it is to be someone else, they will need to train elsewhere as there is no one here besides me that can do that) or whether I will be asked to come back to do that.  I know they have 2 candidates they are interviewing and those interviews are supposed to happen about the middle of next week.  I know nothing else.   

The hope is that tomorrow will clarify things at least somewhat.  Hard to really say though.  My charge nurse returns then anyway, and she puts together the schedule.  The other charge nurse, of course, had her last official day last Friday.  In between, there have just been fill in staffing.  The same as they have used in the clinic.  This helps us all subsist on a day to day basis, but does little to engender long term stability or functionality.  Because, as you all know, there is less buy in when you are temporary and less you really need to be aware of.  For example, when you rent a car, you will put gas in it as required and try not to damage it lest you have to pay for it, but you certainly aren’t taking it in for oil changes, closely evaluating the cause of the pinging sound coming from the engine, or worrying about the tires, filters, et al.  You don’t worry about it because it isn’t your job to do so.  Your job is just to return it in the same condition you rented it. 

As a department, we fix our sites more and more myopically on the present and less and less project out into the future.  We haven’t even had a manager since February.  But, we know who is scheduled for tomorrow and I am sure we will muddle through it again.  And the next day and the next. 

As always, more to come.  Maybe I will have 'accepted' the managerial position by this weekend.  Stay tuned!  

  

I think we can

Today was the first day I genuinely thought, "this is doable."  I don't mean to imply that I thought it otherwise before, but today was the first day that really felt like we began to settle in to the new normal that is life with baby.

Perhaps it is a combination of sleep and another sunny but not too hot day.  Perhaps I am writing this while half crocked on Benadryl and accrued sleep deprivation (which plays some pretty amazing tricks on your mind.......I know longer can say with certainty the exact day or time things have happened over the past month).  Or perhaps it was just Tia and I actually getting out without an actual purpose.  We have made it out to baby showers, MD appointments, to pick up food, and to do some shopping, but not until today to just wander.  We took Quinn up to a local cart pod on Killingsworth and had some pretty horrible Teriyaki followed by us popping down to Alberta to wander about.  It was really nice.  Quinn slept in my arms pretty much the entire time.  He generally is very good while we are out, and then lets us have it as soon as we make it to the car.  A fair trade I suppose.

As is the pattern, Quinn melted down as soon as we got home (we have about 2.5/3 hours max between feedings) and after we got him fed and changed Tia took a nap and I took Quinn downstairs so she could sleep since she very nicely allowed me a good amount of sleep last night and he squiggled and squirmed and cried every few minutes for the subsequent hour and a half.  But, maybe I was just high on a full night's sleep, because it didn't bother me.  And, ultimately, it ended with us taking a nap in the hammock together outside.  Very nice.

Now I ought to finish and post this blog quick before I change my mind.  Every day is a new adventure.