I ended up coming home early today due to a migraine. It was only an hour early, because there is always too much to do and the third nurse has her half day today, but early nonetheless. We had finally hit a point of relative calm (generally around 4, though not always on Friday) and that along with the relative failure of the over the counter ibuprofen I had taken (which was no longer even remotely mastering even the most peripheral of symptoms) I finally ran up a white flag and surrendered. This is not meant to draw sympathy, I hate my job and would have happily left for a hangnail were it not for the regard I hold my coworkers in, nor to lionize my efforts under duress (though it does stress my already limited reserves of empathy), but rather to emphasize that today kind of blew. Thankfully my doctor, who I will truly miss when I switch to Kaiser in a few weeks, called me back and provided some imitrex. That plus a nap equals almost good as new. As good as I have felt recently anyway. Part of the fun of migraines for me is the mild nausea (for some it is much worse however). Hence, lunch consisted of 2 pretzels, a diet Dr. Pepper and 3 bites of a sandwich. Needless to say, I was a little hungry when I awoke. Having little inclination to cook, I heated up some creamed chipped beef and made some toast and called it good all while reading about a restaurant called Alinea in Chicago which has some of the most marvelous looking food I have ever seen. I don't know if you would eat it or just stare at it (though for $195 per person you might as well eat it). Evidently dinner consists of 23 courses of small bites and crazy combinations. Check it out, the pics are incredible looking: Alinea. This of course made my already minimally appealing dinner look as appetizing at it already sounds. Bummer.
I am unfortunately not dealing well with the winter doldrums again this year. For some reason I always think it will be better than the last year, and then it never is. I am trying though, but it feels almost physical in how it affects me. I just feel, well, flat. Two dimensional. And it seems unfair or unrealistic (though it is completely fair and realistic because everyone else does it just fine.....or some semblance therein) to just move on about the day as though everything is hunky dory. I feel more badly for Tia than myself though. She has to deal with something she just doesn't really understand. Something that you can't see. Not only that, but she as to go through the motions with me even though she feels completely unaffected by it. And I don't blame her that. I mean, you put a band-aid on a cut, you take an aspirin (or more) for a headache, but what do you take for melancholy? It has to wear on her as it does me. And, unfortunately, life stops for no one and her job is already taxing and her family is having its own set of health troubles which she is trying to help with.
On top of it all, I keep tugging at her to move. I need it because I can't tolerate another winter here, but I know it is not something she wants to do. And from her side of things, I truly understand it. Here is her family, her friends, her career. The life she knows. There (wherever that may be) is a huge question mark. I feel like Monty Hall and I am asking her to trade in her prize money for whats behind door #3. Though even I don't know whats behind the door. I am more willing to do it, because I have much less to lose (though still a considerable sum as I value the people in my life here). I feel torn because, well, what if its a booby prize and we both ultimately lose? Or, what if it means that I am happy and then she falls into the hole I feel I am in?
On the other hand, you can't win anything without risking something. You certainly aren't going to go in a casino and be awarded money for just walking in the door, you have got to be willing to put your money in the machine and pull the handle. And there are risks to staying as well. I am already holding up about as well as a cardboard house in a rainstorm and the winter has just begun. The job market most places is bad, but here it is worse than average (45th out of the 50 states) and based on the applicants that are applying for jobs with Kaiser that Tia is seeing, they are literally higher people at 2 or 3 job classes below their level of expertise. People with Master's degrees and 10+ years of experience clamoring over entry level positions. So, using the gambling analogy, my options for finding a good job are about the same as taking a poker hand with a pair of 2s.
Ultimately it comes down to compromise and sacrifice and setting targets for those things. More to come as always.
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