37

This is what I wrote a few weeks ago and never actually posted it on my blog:

“I feel like hell today.  Tia and I continue to have abrasive encounters that serve only to make us both feel worse.  I know she just doesn’t know how to deal with me.  The truth is, no one can ‘know’ what it is like unless they have experienced it.  Using the near ubiquitous example of cancer; everyone feels badly you’re afflicted, everyone expresses sincere concern and well wishes, but no one can do a damn thing to help you and, ultimately, no one but someone who has experienced it can fully appreciate what it is like to live with.   It colors everything. 

This is all so much harder because of Q.  Not that he bears any responsibility, but rather that he needs attention, patience, and focused love and energy, all things that I have in finite stores.  And, there are no ‘breaks’ to recharge low reserves and no way to explain how I feel to him.  Then I feel worse because it feels like I am failing him, and not just myself.  I want to be who I imagine I am as a father, not who I actually am.  The same could be said as my role as a husband.  Sometimes I just feel like a glorified babysitter and roommate respectively; dogpaddling to stay above the waves and frequently succumbing to them, if only momentarily.”

In the intervening weeks, I have actually found some light.  Tia and I are doing a better job of communicating.  I am working with a therapist who genuinely seems to be helping me.  I am working on mindfulness and meditation techniques to quiet my symptoms.  My overall state of mind is just better.  I won’t (and can’t) call it cured, but it at least much improved. 

Other things of note: 

-          The bathroom remodel is finally finished…..er, sort of.  We are still waiting on a new part for the bath fixture and the toilet, but otherwise the hardware is re-hung, the walls are painted, and the pieces are all workable.  One final caveat though, it might all end up having to be started again.  We hired a contractor we had worked with previously.  He is nice and conscientious and punctual.  However, it also appears he is the world’s worst tile layer.  The grout lines are uneven, the tiles are not uniform in height on the floor nor the walls.  In short, it looks like someone who has never laid tile before (though he evidently has).  He has offered to come ‘fix it’ but it appears it may be beyond a fix.  It might need to be entirely redone.  WE will have to further discuss on Wednesday.  It is just hard to know where to start.  My hope is we can come to some accord and get at least some money refunded so we can hire another contractor to tile it.  Sigh.  Nothing like spending $7K and being generally unhappy.  In the future I think we will just focus on ‘freshening up’ the look (new paint, accessories) and not demoing.  More to come.

-          It appears like there will not be any clarity anytime soon on the job front.  I spoke with some new hires who had recently defected from the GS clinic and they did not have very many positive experiences to share.  They also thought that the July target was pretty much untenable as there remains to many problems with the system that need repairing before it would make sense to add any additional clinics.  They thought that early 2015 was more likely.  Of course since we have had ZERO information provided to us from OHSU regarding the clinic and the manager who I was in contact with over there quit, their words are pretty much all I have to go on. 

-          New opportunity?:  However, in the interim, a new opportunity has presented itself.  One of the floor staff tendered their resignation meaning a 3 day a week 10 hour shift shift has become available.  There are no guarantees that it would go to me as it has to be posted in the system and, IF anyone with more seniority wanted it they would have priority, but at least it offers some hope of an option outside of staying through the buyout.  I would be able to re-learn the process of placing PICC lines as well, which would be great.  I have also heard that there might be an opportunity down the line for a clinic position in Washington, but I won’t hold my breath on that one.  Essentially it would mean an employee they are less than inclined to keep would have to submit their resignation and/or do something horrendous to be let go.  But, it might be something that opens up down the line and provide me an opportunity to get back into the clinic.  In the interim, hopefully I can pop in now and again to keep my skills from atrophying.   

-          Quinn was in the backseat on a drive somewhere when he starts grunting.  He was evidently trying to take off his shoes and socks.  When I asked him about it he responded ‘Quinn frustrated.’  Nice use of the word in proper context.  I still have a hard time believing he is only 19 months old sometimes.  His vocabulary continues to impress me. 

-          Have been kind of peeking around at homes lately and touring a few.  It is a crazy fast market right now.  We went to an open house yesterday that had been on the market for one day.  The Realtor told us they accepted an offer 20 minutes before the open for over asking.  Our Realtor said there are clients putting in offers on homes they haven’t even seen (I guess banking on the inspection providing an out should they need one).  It is weird.  Makes me badly want to sell and rent…but there isn’t really anywhere to rent either, certainly nothing that would make sense to do financially.  But, worst case, we are happy where we live and private schools are always an option down the line should the local schools still be ranked as poorly as they are currently. 

-    Oh yeah, and I am 37 now.