moving on up

At this point, it remains uncertain when we will get internet, but as I cannot sleep (and don’t wish to wake Tia) I will compile my thoughts in Word and transcribe them later.

What an intriguing (read: trying) last few weeks it has been. For as much as I like change, I can’t say I am thrilled with the process of getting there. The older I get (I would say more mature, but I am afraid I might get laughed off my own blog), the more stuff that peoples my existence. I have to say, most of it isn’t very nice stuff (a fact I noted more acutely when we were paying nearly $100/hr to have it hauled around). A $20 desk , a free to us TV stand (that was probably a hand me down), a few nicer pieces gotten from CL (which are becoming more and more battered with each move and hence less and less nice), and some Target furniture. I think, honestly, if our place were to burn down tomorrow (presuming all living things were safe), the only things that would sadden me would be losing our mattresses, laptops, and TV. That isn’t to say I would change anything about that presently. It is, after all, just stuff. It serves its purpose. However, I like to think that when we make our next big move, we will just start over. It is a might bit embarrassing to pay to move it after all J

In regards to moving, dear god in heaven what an effing mess! The movers (Thunder Movers…..you have been warned), evidently neglacted to place us on their moving docket for the day. So, when Tia called and asked whether they were coming (at 9:15……..just 15 minutes past when they were scheduled), the woman she spoke with, following a hasty ‘They’re on there way’ prior to even being told who was calling, finally admitted that she never did write us down on the schedule. She then told us she would call in some people and assured us that they would be to us by 11. At 11:30 we called and then were told that one person who said they would come in did not, but that another person would be coming in and they would be on their way, Skip ahead to 2:15 when they actually arrived…….5 hours and 15 minutes AFTER they were supposed to. Suffice to say a move that we had calculated would be over before the time it actually did, did not finish until nearly 8 at night. Thankfully (mercifully) no one else was scheduled to move in that day (you have to reserve the service elevator and loading area), Tia’s mom was off of work and graciously agreed to help out (which freed us up to do our house signing), and as a rare glass half full view presented here, they were able to get some movers to come in on their day off at all. The movers themselves were really pleasant and worked hard but what a damn shame about the company. Our third time using them and most assuredly our last.

House: well, that hasn’t been bumpy aside from our Realtor being less than stellar, but it was quite shocking to find out from our title company that we owed nearly $800 to close. It was shocking because the estimate (the one THEY provided) suggested we would get back nearly $1800. So, as far as the skill of estimating goes, I would say they have a pretty broad margin for error. Eventually we will get back about $1300 (or about $500 once you deduct our $800 outlay……which ought to just cover our moving expenses conveniently enough), but still you have to wonder why they bother with an estimate at all. They clearly haven’t learned the cardinal rule of business…..always ALWAYS underestimate. Had they told us we would have owed $1200 at close and then ONLY had to pay $800, we would have been relatively pleased (as pleased as one can be paying money for selling a house can be). Bah!

The job: so much to say both good and bad as it does undulate between the two so frequently.

Good: Learning a lot. Cannot explain how varied the maladies are, but they cast a wide net. It is almost like going back to nursing school and learning how to be an NP wrapped in one.

Staff is generally quite pleasant as are the doctors. A good mix also between male and female which is rare in health care.

Location is spectacular for wandering during lunch (and I get a real honest to god lunch).

Bad: The job itself can get quite tedious. It isn’t easy sitting on the phone all day staring at a monitor instead of real people. On the upside, most people are quite gracious and pleasant considering what they are going through. On the other hand, there are a handful who clearly just want meds of some kind and to NOT come in to be evaluated no matter what. And, dear god, there are a lot of UTIs in this town!

Five days a week is still an adjustment. The commute (thankfully a thing of the past) made it even harder. Leaving at 7:20 and getting home nearly 6 (with 45 minutes of bumper to bumper bookending the work day) did not make for a pleasant beginning or ending. Hopefully it will be better now.

Overall, I am trying to think of this coming week as a new slate and trying to start fresh. Give it a real eval now that I am nearby, done with the biggest outside work stress of selling the house and moving, and hopefully it will settle out. I am over my first hurdle (the training) and into the continiung process of learning all the details of how to do all the components of how I do the things I need to. The largest hurdle was that my trainer worked very differently than I do. That is hard to reconcile when they are staring over your shoulder while you work. I ALMOST walked out on Tuesday when, instead of doing what I prefer to do (finish each call out before moving to the next) she had me picking up one call after another only to try to notate them all later in the day. Not good. I was not a happy camper to say the least. I felt like I was doing a half-assed job and leaving out way to much info in my notes later on. Thankfully I talked to my supervisor and we all had a pow-wow the next day and things improved markedly (basically she stopped sitting over top of me). Come to find out she is not the most well liked individual because of her rather bruque manner and her my-way-is-the-only-way model. Of course, that isn’t to say she isn’t pleasant enough and a wonderful resource…she is both. I am just glad she isn’t sitting within spitting distance of me every afternoon.

As with any move, the move takes hours, and the packing and unpacking takes weeks. Best to get back to it. More to come.

Moving,,,,,,,,T-minus 2 weeks

Well, this week was, eh, interesting. I spent Monday and Tuesday at home waylaid by an honest to god migraine. Haven't had one like that before. Or at least not that I can recall. Ended up getting a shot of Toradol in the ass on Tuesday for the HA and the nausea finally subsided by Wednesday afternoon (I did make it to work that day at least). Then, Tuesday night Tia came home with a worsening pain in her upper back. It got so bad we ended up at the ER that evening for her. So, suffice to say, it hasn't been a banner week. On the upside, both of us are on the mend and, as a nice bonus, my job allows me to move around my hours so that I was able to 'save' 5hrs of my sick time by working different hours the remainder of the week. Pretty cool perk. Now if I could just get them to pay for our 'holidays' without using said time at all.

The learning curve continues to be a steep one at work. I am not functionally retarded (at least not all the time), so I can handle most issues that arise, but of course I lack the experience and exposure to a lot of things as yet so I see a lot of curveballs too. Thankfully it appears like it is part of the routine at work. Lots of newer MAs (med assistants) learning and even a new doc starting up that will be learning the ropes as well. Plus, even the experienced docs screw up now and then (sending TENCs the wrong way and such), so I plan to play the new card as long as I can. Just try not to make the same mistake twice is my motto.

The move continues. The more we pack, the more we uncover that we just don't have room for or don't want to take with us. Thats the good thing about having little of actual value. Besides our bed, the downstairs TV, and our laptops (which themselves are decidedly lower end), we don't really own anything worth more than a few hundred dollars tops. I sometimes think about getting 'real' furniture. The kind that doesn't have particle board as its primary material and that you don't have to put together with allen wrenches. But, then I think of this move and the many others I have made and I can't help but think how much easier it is to not have such belongings. Though I have more things than I ever dreamed I would, I still like the idea of not being owned by them.

Tia and I have both found it amusing how many people who are in our shoes (home owners in the suburbs doing the nasty commute daily) are expressing their own desires to do what we are doing or how much they would yet like to do so. It is interesting how much the American dream of home ownership has become more an onus than a blessing for many. How many people express their frustration with the time and effort spent on maintenance, cleaning, and general upkeep and the countless thousands it costs just to maintain things. In some cases and in many places, home ownership still makes a lot of sense (though actual ownership through 30 years of payments is still elusive), but for many others it simply does not. It is shocking how many others (most many years our senior) express the same desire of trading out of their open spaces for the freedom and convenience of living in the city. Two more weeks is the mantra of the day.

Back to packing.

cramps

Ah, there is no better way than I know of to start a vacation than to be in the throws of gut wrenching cramps from a bad meal. Thankfully the 60s cafe we stopped at upon arrival to Lincoln City obliged. More thankfully, things improved markedly thereafter. Though had they gone downhill from there, I might not be around to write this.

I am never sure what to say about the coast of Oregon. It is strange and perplexing to me. There, rolling towards the shoreline, are the familiar waves of briny water and expanse of sandy shoreline.........and yet that is where the similarities to my experiences end. In mid-July (among the hottest of months by all accounts), we were shivering while appareled in jeans and sweatshirts whilst traipsing along the gusty shoreline. Instead of shells, there were rocks and the sand itself has more the consistency of a sidewalk than the beaches I grew up with. There is beauty there, but of an entirely different sort. Lots of starfish to gaze upon and large mussels entrenched in every crevice on every inch of every rock. But, you dare not stick even the most hearty and warm blooded of toes in the water. At least I dare not. Good lord is that cold! These, from what I am told, are the difference between a coast and a beach.

I can say that I leave Lincoln City mostly satisfied with what it was, but have no desire to go back. I feel like once is enough thank you very much. I have no desire to see the samey trinket shops with identical wares (and prices) and myriad 'antique' stores full of mostly garage sale worthy items. I have no desire to eat at restaurants that could be found elsewhere and for less money. I have no desire to sit and gaze at a beach that I cannot otherwise enjoy. Part of me (a lot of me really), wishes there was something unique about the town that I could have partaken in, some bit of localness, but honestly if it was there, I couldn't find it. The same stores and restaurants with the same food can be found up and down the coast. I don't honestly know if what I am looking for exists anymore. Maybe it just doesn't. But even the casino offered up some native American frybread, which was both delicious and at least someone connected to them as a people (unlike the rest of the buffet). But, all in all, it was a nice respite from our current confines, surrounded by boxes with the constant compunction to add to the pile.

Rose: the casino was a lot of fun (despite its smokiness) and we had some very yummy hot caramel corn on our drive up the coastline on a beautiful day.

Thorn: The terrible service we got at a few restaurants, most notably the 60s cafe which also resulted in a short-lived, but very memorable, bout of gastrointestinal nastiness.

We are still selling our wares on CraigsList and, for all the good people who do come through, I am growing weary of the flakes. The people who contact you super interested and "are on their way" yet never arrive and never contact again. The people who try to negotiate online, find an agreeable price, and then try to renegotiate once they get through the door. The people who expect you to take your wares to them, even if they are free. To all of you, bite me! To the rest, thank you for just being normal and courteous.

Last but not least, I still keep tossing around the whole idea of the job. I try to let it seep out of my skull, but it hangs on mercilessly. The rational part of me knows that I must give it time and a real chance to find out if the fit is good or poor.............the irrational part says to beg for my old job back (or at least a job in my old department). Another week starts tomorrow.........hopefully the answer becomes more clear. I hope it does anyway.

C.R.A.F.T.

With so much going on of late, I feel I have the craft of late and this blog definitely suffers for it (Can't Remember A Fricken Thing). Trying to remedy it.

After thwarted efforts from both sides, the move date remains 3 weeks out. Tried to push it up a bit, but the paper pushers wouldn't allow. Ah well, 3 more weeks of commuting it is. And it is pretty awful. Took an hour to get home today. Feels like such a magnificent waste of time. Tried the side roads and discovered other people thought of that already. Yuck!

Week 2 at the new job in the books. Still trying to adjust to the weekday grind. Haven't worked as many as 4 days in a row very frequently in nursing, let alone 5. A bigger adjustment than I had initially thought. Will be tons better once we move closer and the 9 hour day isn't really the 10.5 hour day. As for the job itself............well, I am still kind of on the fence. Wish I liked it more I really do. The people are all nice and the clinic itself seems stable, but I have a hard time with so much butt-in-chair duty. Working on it and trying to think bigger picture. Hard not to look at (or debate) going back to IV at the downtown hospital though. So tempting!

Living in box city at the moment. If we aren't putting things in boxes, we are going through other boxes. if not that, then we are posting just about everything on CL. There is a certain sense of relief that comes with purging things that you didn't really need in the first place, but getting to that endpoint is stressful. But, if it doesnt fit, it doesn't go. Makes sense to me.

Not much time or energy to post more at the moment. Time to pack for a much needed mini-vaca.

July updates

Its been a busy time with little extra to sit down and post. So, a quick and dirty update (plus my right thumb is bandaged because of my stupidity, so the typing is a bit slower and less accurate than I prefer).

+ House updates - Inspection is done. Nothing they are asking to fix. We didn't expect there to be, but you never know. Now we just need nothing to go awry in the coming month. Appraisal was just completed as well. Looking good to appraise out for the value of the offer. Feeling really hopeful at this point. It is such a hard thing because it was a long drawn out process to even come to the decision to buy, but at the same time, we can't help but look around and think that it is the right move at this time. I think the price was a fair one and that the new owners should be able to get it back. But, looking around at others trying to sell (for $50K more than we listed at and for less house and older to boot), you have to feel sorry for them. You certainly don't expect that your house will be your retirement fund (or at least you shouldn't), but you also don't buy expecting it to be the rock you break yourself upon. Sad.

+ Job update - Week 1 is in the books. It is a bit hard to rate it really since I am obviously doing mostly observation, but I can say it is a HUGE adjustment. My last job had me running around like a chicken with my head cut off most of the days (with the exception being the weekends) and this job has a very specific cadence to it. There is plenty to do, but time to go to the bathroom and have lunch at a normal hour. It is very, well, regular. Plus, it is a LOT of sitting and staring at an LCD. Not sure if I will love the job, but there is plenty to like about hour long lunches, knowing you are done at a specific time, not flexing, and being able to drink a cup of coffee like a normal human being. Looking so forward to not commuting anymore either.

+ Apt update - moving to the Pearl. Going from way suburban to very Portland urban (not at all like NYC or anything, but more urban than I have ever lived). Will be about 9 blocks from work. Directly across the street from the new apt is a brewery/pub, a coffee shop and we will be a block off from the nearest grocery. It will be weird not to load up the car to do everything. Very excited about that! - The downside is that we will be chopping away about 50% (actually slightly more than) our living space. The selling of our worldly possessions has already begun. Every cabinet yields more stuff we didn't realize we had.

Went to Maryhill Winery for a concert last night. Absolutely beautiful location. Ridiculously windy though. concert was alright (very short set by the headliner) but the place appears to have no organization whatsoever and the process of ingress and egress was awful. It took better than an hour to get from the amphitheater to the parking lot two miles away because they had FAR too few buses for transport and there was nowhere you could walk. So, instead they corralled us all in the midst of a dust storm in a gravel parking lot (because you could NOT stay in the amphitheater under any circumstances evidently) which led to a crazy array of confrontations between the overwhelmed and understaffed parking crew and drunken patrons. Truly awful.

Off to relax. Packing just sucks it right out of you.

Numbers (the sunk cost argument)

I am a numbers guy, always have been. Just seem to really like to revel in them and extract some minor meaning from them. Sometimes it is to save money, sometimes to see what I lost.

In that vein, I was looking at our house. I know that a house, like your 401K, is supposed to be a LONG term investment. However, I am looking at the real numbers we really spent here and what we will likely spend at our new urban digs. Apples to apples.......or as close as we can get.

Once we sell this house we will have lived here for almost exactly 1 full year (2 and a 1/2 weeks shy of it). We put down 3% towards the home (and fees associated with such) and have dutifully paid our mortgage, gaining about $350 each month towards equity. We will have therefore earned about $4K over the year. However, with estimates ranging to nearly 8% depreciation over the last year (our neighbors property has depreciated about 20% in the four years since these were built), even being conservative, you couldn't argue that we have truly earned anything. You could only argue over exactly how small or great a sum was lost. So, one could easily argue that you aren't so much building equity at this point as you are bailing out water without fixing the leak.

We also pay a small monthly fee for external upkeep. All told, we feel fortunate to walk out of this house with somewhere around $1500 (inclusive of the additional equity built up over the next 2 payments). Some things are just not good investments and this was assuredly not. We bought low enough that it is possible that eventually it would have proven worthwhile (though I dare say it would never be the case for our neighbors), but it would have been awhile. But, I digress. Ultimately, we will walk away having paid approximately $2700/mo to live here (inclusive of our up front costs). That is a rough estimate and is probably a little on the conservative side. Gives me the shakes just thinking about it. Had we pushed out another year (even with the downward trend slowing and our equity slightly increasing as the principle of the loan slightly dwindles), we still would be looking at nearly $2300 a month at our current sell price, a number we would likely not be able to get at that point in time.

So, as we move to a fairly pricey apartment in a desirable locale, we will still save a princely sum. When you take into account that NONE of our money will need to be put down (the deposit was $99) and that the non-refundable start up fees include only the $84 application.........while objectively you can look at the two numbers and it would appear we are saving only a few hundred a month, it is actually much much more. Including utilities, we will save about $900/mo over what we spent this past year. Had we moved to the same apartment one year ago instead of here it would have saved us nearly $11K. From a strictly month to month cost, we will save about $4K. Probably nearly another $1K in gas (although that will likely we eaten up literally........via happy hours and coffee shops).

But, ultimately, it is all a sunk cost. If you stare too hard at your investments (bad or good) in the past, you will never be able to move forward. It is best to just let go and move on. Home ownership has its perks to be sure, but presently those perks are not fiscally sound ones unless you are willing to think longer term than I dare. In the meantime, I am just looking forward to being a renter again with the landlord on speed dial should anything go awry :)

That isn't to say that I do not understand that houses, by and large, are emotionally purchases. There is more (for most people) about their house than its monetary worth. It is a place of family and friends and memories. It is, for some, the ultimate goal and part of the American dream. As Tia says, some people wouldn't move out no matter how much they are upside down because their house means that much to them. A house isn't always an investment of money, but is sometimes more an investment of hope and a fulfillment of dreams. Its just not how I see it.

The house is officially sold!

It feels like a HUGE weight has been lifted now that the counter offer has been accepted. Truly, we didn't win in this situation so much as we didn't entirely lose. Ultimately, we walk away without having to write a check to do so and that, in my book, is a win. We will lose the money we put down (thankfully not much) and what little equity we built over the year..........but a valuable lesson was imparted along the way: home ownership is not a place we want to be right now. Maybe when the market isn't so awful or maybe when I am older or maybe when we move somewhere else where buying makes more sense then renting (it doesn't here), but for now I just feel a sense of freedom that not having a 30 year mortgage allows. We are incredibly lucky to have found a buyer in this market at all honestly. So, farewell suburbia.

Whats next, well, a year of urban living. Specifically in the Pearl where we can walk to happy hours, coffee shops and even to work (I will only be 9 blocks from my new job and Tia will be a 2 mile bike ride away). We will be moving into about 1/2 the space (probably slightly less than) and will go back to sharing walls and living in close quarters with others...........but I think it will be fun. If nothing else, it will be truly, remarkably different. A fun experiment and hopefully a successful one.

In the meantime, now starts the purging process. Time to whittle down what we have to what can reasonably be accommodated within the confines of the apartment walls. It is a process I enjoy and dread because, despite my propensity for ridding and my general fear of accumulating stuff, I do like most of the pieces we have (some I will not be sad to see go though). Ah well, you can always buy it again down the road if you need to. Must stick to my mantra: absolutely no pay storage!

Off to relax and bask in the little successes. 4 days on the floor (one at EM) is enough.

Updates

Just a few quick blurbs since I haven't had much time to update of late.

- The court case I was called in to be a juror for ended up as a mistrial. The case dealt with a theft of some items from a Fred Meyers. The theft wasn't in question however. Whether or not the accused used a knife when confronted outside of the store by their loss prevention officers was. Due to a number of issues regarding witnesses and the like, the case was declared a mistrial and an entirely new jury will have to be selected and sworn in to hear the case when it comes back to trial. When that is I have no earthly idea. So, got to see a peek inside the justice system, but not much of one sadly.

- We are firing our Realtor. I know we are high needs clients. I need to be informed of what is being done to promote the property and I need to be given updates about people who go through the house. I expect, for about $9000 and mixed change, that something will be done besides sticking a sign in the yard and posting some pics online at RMLS. I guess that makes me high needs. Anyway, we feel like we can just do it ourselves just as well. Guess we'll find out. If..........

- Well, if the offer that is forthcoming falls through and/or we cannot find a happy middle ground. For all I know the offer could be ridiculously low.........or full of strings. Hard to say, but I am definitely speculating like crazy. Can't wait to see it, though I have a sneaking suspicion I will be disappointed.

- Accepted a new job........at a clinic doing triage. M-F, 36 hrs per, slight pay downgrade. No bennies change though because I stayed in the family. Not confident about the move, but it was my best chance at the moment to try to jump back into school. Trying to think a little longer term. We'll find out soon enough if the move was a mistake or not.

- Looked at some of the 'high=end' waterfront apartments for shits and giggles this past weekend. Good lord are they enormously overpriced! It isn't even so much that they are expensive, it is more that you get so little for your money. Unless you consider 1100 sq. feet of shoddily carpeted, poorly laid out, and overwhelmingly furnished (not the highest end fixtures or appliances) living space in the middle of never-ending construction with views that could only generously be called average worth north of $2000 a month. Yes in NYC or San Fran..........but not in Portland. I predict a severe price adjustment forthcoming.

Last weekend of work for awhile forthcoming and sooner than I would prefer.

Houses and juries and interviews oh my!

Quick update about the interview. It went............well, mediocre in all regards. Had a double interview of sorts. One with the office manager and clinic manager and one with two other nurses. The first interview read really well. The second was harder to get a vibe on. But, regardless of that, it really isn't something that I can see myself doing. Why? Well, because in the RN role there you spend almost your entire day (probably around 90% of it) on the phone doing triage and almost 0% doing anything with actual patients. Despite the good hours (and guaranteed ones at that), it sounds pretty soul crushingly boring. I think I would be able to do it for about 3 months until I got the hang of it, and then I might want to hang myself. Ah well, the beat goes on and the applications keep flying out. If you bait enough hooks you are bound to catch something right?

Got called to jury duty today. Can't say much about it, but I did get selected for the trial so I will be going back tomorrow. Since I get paid by my job, I have to say it is a win-win. Get to do something different and interesting and get paid to boot. Nice.

Ah, the house.........what a tangled web. It is interesting how very many different opinions and thoughts there are. Most recently: Should we just rent it out instead? Maybe so. The idea of selling it is grim and we are thinking more and more that our current Realtor (who has thus far been a disappointment) might be a little too pie-in-the-sky. Wouldn't be so bad if she just wouldn't keep stumbling over the basics.

Off to bed. Some deliberating to do tomorrow.

the movie keeps on rolling, but the story's getting old now

My coworker asked me a question today that I had never thought about, "What would it take to make you stay at this job?" The fact that I had never even considered that probably says more about my feelings about leaving than anything else. I couldn't think of anything. Sure more money and more vacation would be nice, but that isn't happening and, even if it did, I am not sure how much it would take of either. Plus, I am already running out of the energy needed to continue fighting for myself and for the people I work alongside. Such a statement used to not bother me. I used to not care because work was work, not my career. Now I am trying (emphasis on trying) to look long term and the truth is there just isn't much chance to advance where I am.......not for a decade or better unless there is some kind of massive layoff up top. Which essentially means (in Bryan speak especially) an eternity before I would be in any position to affect change in my department (what changes could be enacted remains questionable even then). I am not ready, not willing, to wait it out.

What does it all mean? Well, if things don't turn out well tomorrow, the search continues.......and continues.

I hope to settle on a job one day...........but I doubt I will ever settle for something less than fulfilling. I know its out there, I just need to find it.

Interview

Today was another day where one of my coworkers suggested ANOTHER email to arrange ANOTHER meeting regarding what is going on in the clinic. Not that it isn't necessary (as my old supervisor is still pouting fairly openly and there is still a lot of muddiness regarding the role of our new charge even after the last meeting), but I am growing weary of it. It starts to feel like a wheel, no matter where you get on, you end up at the same place eventually.

So, the good news is that I have an actual honest-to-god face-to-face interview (a miracle in this day and age) at a clinic that is part of the same hospital system I already work at. Clearly, the hurdles of do I like them and do they like me exist, but if all goes well it could mean the following:

- A pay cut - yes it is only a few dollars an hour (guessing $2-2.50/hour less), but that can mean a lot over the course of a year (roughly $4K give or take). Of course, that is only if they actually flex me out like I do now. If it represents an actual 36 hours (instead of my theoretical one) than it will probably be a wash.

- No more weekends! - this would be huger than huge. Actual weekends. Whole ones. All the time. Has been a few years since I had those and with Tia's new job, it would be a really nice bonus.

- No more hospital - this is a real pro/con argument. On one hand, being in the hospital lets me accrue acute care experience and do some pretty neat things (PICC lines being the most interesting) while still getting my hand in the clinic work that I really feel at my most comfortable with. On the other hand, working in the the hospital means I get floated around as need be and that I have to deal with the crazy hospital politics (which I can only hope don't exist in the same scale at a clinic alone..........but that is a rather unlikely hope). There is truly no clear winner in this, it is just a matter of preference. Some people really like being in the hospital, some don't. I fall somewhere towards the don't side, but I can deal with it.

- Commute time - Until we sell this house, that could be a biggie. After we sell it, it could go a long way towards clarifying where to live (likely near that area since it would be super close for both Tia and I).

- No real change in any of the benefits etc since I would still be in the same organization. Thats a bonus in itself.

So, cross em for me and hopefully this interview will be as successful as most that I go on and an offer to contemplate will be forthcoming. I am excited about at least going in to talk with someone. Its a step in the right direction.

Here comes the rain again

I am not sure exactly why, but the weather has been a good mirror of my moods of late. A sunny day here and there with a liberal amount of rainy gray. To be sure, a preponderance of events have led to this, but that really isn't something that I can do much about. What I can do something about, or hope to be able to, is finding a way to not let it affect me. At least not so significantly. Usually, for me, exercise helps a lot. It is the cheapest and easiest endorphin rush. It helps me sleep better at night and perform better during the day. It also makes me feel better in general. So, why not just do it then?

Well, excuses come cheap and I have plenty of them. Work has been incredibly stressful and the days have been long and grueling. Family situations have been mentally and emotionally taxing. Selling our house is stressful. And, lest I forget, the ever present shitfest that is the weather here. It isn't that it is NEVER sunny..........it is just not a common occurrence. For reasons of sheer chance, there also seems to be a high correlation between the amount of sun expected and my being at work on a particular day. Last weekend (a 3 day weekend for me), one day of sun. This weekend (counting tomorrow), sun x 3. The past 2 days I have been off, bands of wind and rain. The two days prior when I worked 10 hours shifts, sunny and mild. And so on. I know that statistically it will even out, but it has been an unpleasant run. All I want to do is pack up my stuff, put in my notice, grab Tia and the cats and head south until I find someplace that sunglasses are a necessity and flip-flops aren't something you dust off a few weeks a year. I miss it. I really truly do.

So, whats the answer? Well, hopefully a mix of self-actualization and Tia kicking my ass until I dont need so much motivation. Hopefully the sun will follow and the other issues with subside. Thats the plan anyway.

Tomorrow I am heading to the Big Bad. Not pleased about it, but it is my turn. It fills me with dread like exam days in school. There is nothing you can do to avoid it, and you know it will be largely unpleasant..............but eventually it will be over and you can go on with your life. Until the next trip that is.

Decided against applying for a job that would potentially (nothing is a guarantee) have gotten me away from IV therapy, though I would be doing pretty much the exact same job. The clinic that I shadowed in a month ago is finally looking to hire permanently.

Pros: No hospital work at all. No floating (no other affiliated clinics to float to). Learning chemo administration.

Cons: Staff is, on average, much older (I would be the youngest by at least 10-15 years), nowhere to really go in the department, located downtown which would be a mess of a commute (see Tia's commute).

Overall, I just can't see myself there. Maybe it is a mistake not to apply........but in reality that's all I would be doing. It isn't like I am turning down an offer. That would be much harder to do.

I probably should go to sleep now. 5:30 in the AM comes quickly. How I hate the Big Bad....let me count the ways.

Here comes the sun

Sunny days here in Portland always amaze me. People attack them with a certain gusto that you just don't see in places like Florida (or other places where sun is common). I find it fascinating, and also a bit sad. Shouldn't the sun be something we take for granted?

The only thing I can reference that is remotely similar growing up in Florida was when it was cold out. It really is the only comparison I can make. We also woke up excited. Cranked on the heretofore unused heat (with the smell of burning dust permeating the air) and unpacked our winter apparel. Then proceeded to dress like a blizzard was upon us. 50 degrees and below brought forth a torrent of downy jackets and lumberjack sweaters. 40 degrees might have brought forth ski pants and masks (it was rumored that such temperatures existed, but I don't know if I ever saw them). And, since this was South Florida, by noon the temps had risen by about 20 degrees and you spent the remainder of the day lugging around all those heavy clothes that you could no longer bear to have on your person. Also, three days later, the temps would return to the low 70s and you would carefully repack everything with the hope that, at least once more, you might be able to repeat the process again before the 'winter' left us.

This isn't to say I am advocating Florida (although I would advocate a winter there). The rest of the year finds us stumbling from AC to AC slick with an ever present sheen of perspiration, temperatures in the mid/high 90s, perpetual afternoon thunderstorms, and humidity so thick it is a presence. But the sun............well that we never missed. It was never a question of if it would come out, but when. That, I do miss.

Job jobs jobs

I think sometimes about all the jobs I have had in this lifetime (and I doubt that list is done compiling) and it is interesting how each one affects you. Listing even the jobs I held for so short a time that it scarcely counted (telemarketer: 3.5 hours), either represents a life spent with severe career ADD or, just as likely if not more so, that jobs, especially those gotten in hs, generally suck. In my best guess as to chronological order:

Telemarketer: Still remember the 'cause' - Police Athletic League (nearly 7.5% of donations went there after the 'overhead costs' were taken into account. Probably the longest 3.5 hours of my life. Surrounded by ex-cons and getting hung up on or screamed at on the phone.

Florist/bitch boy: I worked at a florist shop for a number of months off the books. Vague memories of driving around collecting tree trimmings for Xmas decorations and spending hours upon hours dethorning and wiring roses.

Busboy: Ah Perkins.........I remember it well. Every weekend waking up early and coming home bone weary 6 hours later smelling of breakfast scraps (and somewhat covered in them). All to make minimum wage plus up to $10 per shift in tips from the cheap ass waitstaff. Only job I have ever been fired from (for refusing to clean out a dirty toilet stall.........my aversion to poop is longstanding).

PBKC: Off and on for nearly a decade........though mostly off. Started in publicity and finished as an executive assistant of sorts. In between, I bartended, worked as a runner, and was a teller. Lots of pretty fond memories honestly for a place that I probably wouldn't choose to visit of my own accord.

College jobs: Scarcely worth breaking up into individual descriptions since they tended to be pretty consistently low paying and short lived. But, for the sake of the list I was employed at least briefly in the following: Pizza Maker, mall store clerk, event set up, teller (at a local Jai Alai place), teaching assistant, and lab rat (any pay to try this or that project you could think of).

Construction: By far the most physically grueling job. Nothing like pouring concrete in the summer in South Florida. Has to be at least one of Dante's levels. Was proud that I made it through that summer. Don't know how my dad managed it for all those years. Tough work.

Teacher: This job is probably, if not completely, at the other end of the scale from construction. Whereas in construction you are doing a completely physical job, this one took it out of you for very different reasons. I didn't come home and want to collapse from physical fatigue, but rather from the mental gyrations that keeping 30 kids on task at all times takes from you. You are always 'on' and if you aren't, woe is you. I see the arguments people make about the short work year, and I won't disagree entirely, but I will say that they definitely need a break.

Teacher overseas: See above except add in huge cultural and language barriers.

Counselor: I suppose I was no more a counselor than Cambridge College was a college, but that was the title I was provided. For the pleasure of $26K a year, I was to be a coach, crying shoulder, and personal lackey of sorts to a help better fleece the poor misguided souls who attended that place. At the beginning, it was not entirely clear how awful that place was, but it became apparent rather readily and the door never stopped revolving for both students and staff alike.

Admin: The small non-profit (RC), was actually a very pleasant place to work. Mind-numbingly dull, but pleasant. Spent most of my days trying to appear busy though I had little to nothing to do. I sometimes miss it. I miss having periods of time where I can just sit and ruminate or days that I can work harder or less hard depending on workflow and my feelings about the day.

Nursing: There are some serious pros and cons to this profession. It is so very different than my other jobs that I can't readily compare it. I am never idle. I rarely have the opportunity to just sit, and when I do it is usually to chart. You rarely ever have the opportunity to see anything from beginning to end, and never in one chunk of time. You are always left to try to pull bits and fragments from one part of the day to complete them in another......with many more like pieces in between. My lunches are rarely uninterrupted, and never extend beyond 30 minutes (and are never at a set time). Breaks are also infrequent and wholly based on patient flow. I spend most of my day on my feet, trying to cheer on and educate patients at a low point in their lives (which is often very rewarding when you feel you have made a rather unpleasant experience that much more bearable), and otherwise being pulled in any number of directions. I can honestly say that, at the end of most days, I feel truly spent. But, I can also honestly say that, by and large, it is the most worthwhile thing I have done. It is definitely the first (probably the only) job I have ever really taken pride in. Its harder than I thought it would be, and though I sometimes see around the corners I am always learning.

Don't know what comes next.........no idea. For now, I am relatively happy and hoping to push further into the profession. That is unless you have any better ideas :)

Memorial Day

I was talking with co-workers the other day when one remarked that she was looked at weirdly when she wished someone a "Happy Memorial Day!" I think I would have looked at her weirdly too. There is nothing truly happy about the day (remembering those that died for our country), but I am not sure what you say about the day. There are no cards (that I have seen anyway......I am sure they exist as every niche card market has been thoroughly mined...........for god's sake, they are making mother's day cards from your pets now) and nothing but rather solemn parades and flags lowered to half mast.

But, of course, there are SALES! Big big Memorial Day sales! Can you think of a worse tie in than selling merchandise (especially merchandise made in countries like Japan and Germany who were responsible for some many American casualties)? I was trying to think of a worse possible tie-in and was honestly stuck between selling reindeer jerky for Christmas or honoring GW for president's day. Tough call really. Anyway, I just find the whole thing weird..........and not because I am a flag waving patriotic zealot. I just, for the first time, really thought about it instead of just being excited to have the day off. We can truly turn anything into a day to buy stuff. Amazing!

House goes up tomorrow. Lets hope that we get enough traffic to warrant keeping it looking like a model home. The urge to leave dirty clothes in a pile on the floor will be strong. So very very strong. Must make the bed. Ugh!

Coming out of it...........er, sorta

Life is strange. I know that is trite and probably wildly inaccurate really. I actually can't think of the last time it rained brimstone or walked headlong into some mythical creature like Bigfoot. I guess a more true statement would be that life is infrequently staid. Rarely rote for periods of any length or breadth. For certain, when the waters are calm, there is always something roiling beneath.

I was thinking about it today when I was in contact with a few old friends and one of them remarked that, "I have a lot going on." I am not apt to disagree, but I also thought that I could scarcely remember a time when everything was tranquil.

In the last three years Tia and I have had near continuous tumult. I went back to school and finished it. She went back and decided the program wasn't right. I have had 3 jobs since I finished school (4 if you count temp work at PRE) and Tia has worked 3 as well. We have moved across the country twice and are living in our third place (4 if you count the time at her sisters) and have bought and are now selling our first home together (Tia had also bought and sold a place in Rochester and (just prior to moving out there) bought and sold a condo here. We got married, then spent our first month as newlyweds selling off everything we owned (she owned) to prepare to move back here, ending up the last week with no bed, no table, and little other furniture. I had surgery once (and was very sick at least twice). We have taken some lovely vacations including a cruise, some trips to Vegas and various places around Canada and Oregon and Hawaii while I was recovering from surgery. We fostered cats and adopted a few along the way. And perhaps most oddly, I consider this very stable. I am just as certain that Tia considers me moderately (fully) insane for thinking that.

And now, as I am better than a year into a job (great by my standards) and Tia better than 6 months into her own, we are both contemplating going back to school....after we sell the house of course. Then maybe another move, hopefully not across the country this time (or at least not somewhere so flipping cold). so, perhaps not weird, but certainly unpredictable. God forbid we didn't shake things up for a few months...........not sure how we would survive it.

Feeling by bits and parts better. Still overdoing it and then collapsing into general fatigue. But, at least I can breathe again normally (or what passes for such with my lungs). Small successes. Now what to do next?

On moving

Perhaps there is something compelling about moving. There must be. With as much as I move around there must be some driving force, some joy, to it. I can't even recall the last time I stayed at one address for greater than 2 years. Had to be when I was living at home in high school. This, however, will be the first time I have a vested interest in the place I leave behind. Usually I only care that it is clean enough to get my deposit back.

I think the part I enjoy is the looking for new places. Being able to try out new locales, even if those locales are within the same zip code or city. Eat at new restaurants. Find new local haunts. Each time I move I think that I learn a little more about what I want. What I like. What I can't stand. The hope, of course, is that all the information eventually leads to something more or less stable and structured. But it seems to me at this point, the only stability I know is constant upheaval. It doesn't seem like much, but it is something I suppose.

But where does one go once you have owned a home. Once you have known true autonomy. Back to renting in our case. But now the expectations are certainly higher. No more ratted out carpeting. No more walls less than privacy thick. No more neighbors with either jacked-up trucks or souped up mid-90s Honda Civics. No more built-ins that should have been tear-outs.

However, before the moving part, comes the selling part. The process of finding a decent Realtor is not an easy one. Much like anything else contractual, you don't really know if you got a lemon until too late. Thankfully, their contracts are short and don't cost much more than time unless it sells. We decided against our previous Realtor. We liked her, but she seems a bit scattered for our needs. Too, well, immature really. So she was out. For due diligence we picked three, one via recommendation and 2 pretty much randomly.

#1 - Young and very Portlandy with her (and her partners) focus on Eco/green living. Kind of more urban. Far more tech. Far more inexperienced than the others. Definitely internet savvy. Downside: They are carrying too many properties and she is clearly more East side than West. She suggested we list the house around $315-$318K, with our break even being about $313K.

#2 - More veteran and clearly not very savvy about the internet (though people she works with are). Turned us off immediately by jumping right into talk about short-sale (we are in no hurry) and then essentially telling us we would be hard-pressed to get appraised out because the market remains so shoddy. We eliminated her as soon as the door closed behind her.

#3 - Same level of experience as #2, but with a more clear understanding of the market. The difference between someone who works in an industry and someone who is clearly still engaged in learning about it. She seemed a little pie-in-the-sky, but perhaps we could use that in this economy. We actually had to talk her down from what she wanted to list it at. Sees no issues in appraising based on local comps. Lives on the West side.

So, if it wasn't clear already, #3 was the winner by a nose over #1 (with #2 having lost her jockey out of the gate and promptly returning to pasture to graze). Looks like we will list at $329,500 and potentially (though not terribly likely) even get most of the money we put down back when we sell. Would be great, but we would still be happy to just walk away without pulling out a checkbook. We shall see.

In the meantime, the cleaning, decluttering, and general touching up is underway. God help us, cause the next how ever many months will be fraught with living so tidily it will look like we don't actually live here in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, the right buyer will come along.

In other news, I spent today (and last nite) with a respiratory infection (or inflammation, hard to say at this point). Lovely. Kind of overdid it cleaning yesterday and sucked up enough dust to send my lungs into failure mode. Back on the Prednisone train or, in other words, hello 3AM! No neb treatment though.........which really sucks because I need one to get my lungs started out right. Not a huge fan of Zoomcare. The are efficient, but though they state they treat asthma, are poorly equipped to deal with inflammations. Still kicking though.

Off to bed...........or at least lying prone with eyes peeled wide open.

Poop sandwich

Unfortunately, save for some nice wife related things (Tia has been on major cheer me up duty of late and even brought us home some Korean Tacos for dinner...........yummy good fusion), work life has been pretty dismal.

First, a job that I REALLY wanted, I was disqualified for right out of the gate because I didn't meet the minimum nursing experience required. This wasn't really a shock, but it was a nurse educator position and they wanted 3 years of experience as a nurse (I have just over 2, though the job has no real relation to nursing since it was more about teaching the new computer system).............but I do have, you know, an education background. The whole teaching thing would, I thought, be kind of an important aspect of the position and all. But, thanks to automated application software that weeds outs applicant, I didn't even get to meet with someone to discuss it. Bummer all around.

Then, the other clinic that I shadowed in decided that they were just going to post a part-time position and an on-call position rather than using staff from IV because they felt that they couldnt offer adequate training. Since I can't work part-time for my department and on-call would put me into overtime since it is the same hospital and all, it isn't possible to work there at all now.

Thirdly, they just demoted my immediate supervisor. Well, in theory they did. They told her, and told her not to tell any of us. Of course she did tell us, but management expects us to not know this. Then, to make matters worse, they demoted one of the supervisors at EH (they eliminated that position) and moved her to MP to manage us. Meaning, we now have one additional staff member to support even though we are ALREADY flexing and floating with far too much frequency. I am guessing that, best case, this means we will be doing a whole lot more of both things. Worst case, maybe somebody has to go (and I have the least seniority). The cherry on a shit sundae.

Finally, though not directly related, school seems to be far less clear since most programs, UP included, are now moving to DNP programs. Great for the future of the profession. Not so great if you are considering doing it. It is now a minimum 3 year commitment and many many thousands of dollars. Ugh!

Meeting with REaltors has been interesting so far. Outlook is kind of grim for sellers to be sure. Good thing you don't have to pay them up front.

One more day than a few off. I could really use them now.

Stay tuned.

Vegas Baby!

Some actual fun travel news to write about. How about them apples?

Tia and I just got back from our 2-year anniversary in Vegas. It was, as are most trips, full of roses and thorns, but mostly roses.

Roses:
+ Tia pulled the anniversary card and got us a first class upgrade on the way out. Free booze, a nice snack, and roomy seats. Nice!

+ Free Show: La Reve. Like most cirque style shows the story was confusing, if present at all, but it was visually stunning. If we had to pay for it (which would have been $141/ea), I would not have rated it very highly. More like mediocre with some truly amazing parts. However, since it was free: 5 stars!

+ Red Rocks - a nice, and relatively close, excursion away from the hustle and bustle of the strip. so nice and quiet and relaxing.

+ Gambling - as per our m.o., we didn't gamble much money.......but we were able to play for a long time, get lots of free adult beverages, and actually win some minor monies along the way.

+ In and Out Burger - I had heard about it for so long and was excited to try it. Had to go all out and go animal style as well. Yes, it was probably horribly bad for me, but no I did not regret it at all. The best meal, dollar for dollar, we had the whole trip.

+ Oxtail - In my desire to try new foods, finally had some oxtail in a little Asian place in the Rio. Quite fatty, but good flavor. Glad I tried it.

Thorns:
- Ride in from the Vegas airport - I thought I was going to hurl. As a bonus, the driver not only took every back road in Vegas (and the shuttle had absolutely no shocks it appeared) but we were the last stop. It was nearly an hour. After such a nice flight, this truly sucked the wind out of our sails.

- Check in - Based on conversations with the reservation person, I thought we were set up in one of the higher floors overlooking the strip. We did overlook it, but really low down. The person who checked us in was unfriendly and, though they noted in the reservation it was our anniversary, did nothing for us other than mention it offhandedly. Thumbs down for that Wynn LV!

- Food prices - Yikes! Even the buffets in the Wynn topped $90 for the both of us. Food isn't really cheap anywhere (save places with drive-thrus). Long gone are the cheap shrimp cocktails and buffets. Most of the drinks (were you to sit at a bar) at the Wynn were upwards of $14/ea as well. No bueno! Thankfully, we gambled enough for a free buffet before we left. Bonus!

Overall, very nice trip. For the value with our offer, totally worth it. Otherwise, I think we will likely be staying elsewhere next trip in.

In work news: Heading in to the GS clinic tomorrow. Might be able to do a few shifts a week there and a few at MP. It is under a different department, who is working with my boss to get us our hours while filling in there empty slots, so it should be a nice change of pace. More on that later. Still applying out for a few other positions as well (including one I am really crossing my fingers about in legacy dealing with the new EPIC program.........based on my track record, I am expecting not even an interview). Cross em.

More to come.

Odds

Today was a sanctioned day off due to recent mental distresses at work. Much needed and much appreciated. There is only so much bureaucratic inanity that anyone can stand, and my limits have clearly been breached. Though, in fairness, I don't take long to saturate. I wish that weren't the case but, perhaps thats what compels me to keep shuffling jobs and to always focus on the next task and the next step, instead of marinating in the present. Clearly at times this is to my detriment as well. I don't often stay long enough to get to another more challenging level. I instead seek it out elsewhere and start from square one again.

I find that once the challenge of acclimating to something new dissipates, you are left with trying to untangle the ball of twine know as policy and my tongue gets looser and looser the more stymied I become in trying to effect even the smallest changes. Trying to wrest control from the micro-managers that seem to extract joy from the most inconsequential of things to them becomes unbearable and I just want to spew forth a volley of vitriol that would be, while momentarily pleasing, a HUGE mistake on my part. So, for now, I will just pack it back down and hope that school (both the chasing of entry and the actual education itself) will provide the escape I so desperately need and want.

Speaking of jobs, I would be remiss were I not to mention a rather disturbing interaction Tia and I had at the bike shop. We were there purchasing what I hope will be our bikes for the next 5 years or so (though not expensive, in fact rather cheap, in the world of bicycles, they do represent the most money I have ever invested in that realm), we got to talking to the two staff members who assisted us. It turns out that one of them had an advanced degree in theology and an undergrad in Physics and the other had earned his law degree two years prior. As they could find nothing in their respective fields of interest, they were working there. Welcome to the recession, where an advanced degree gets you $12/hr and probably a 20% discount. God I hope the economy turns around soon.

Back to cleaning, a more significant challenge than one would assume it to be while hopped up on Antihistamines. The urge to sleep is strong. So strong.

Chafing

I think we all reach a point of saturation where you just feel like, "If I don't get the hell away from here I am going to explode in some bizarre fashion like Michael Douglas in Falling Down." Well, perhaps not that badly, but you get the picture. Well, I have reached that point. Actually, I reached it some weeks back and now I am just limping towards the finish line. Thankfully, Vegas is on the horizon. I need it to be. I am getting to the point where the minutia of work is chafing me and every little annoyance is magnified beyond measure. You know, the point when you need a vacation. 3 more work days..........3 more work days. God help me.

Speaking of work, it is pretty much the same as ever. Definitely not helping with that break point. We have either been blitzed with patients or sent home. When we are busy, we never have enough staff. When we aren't, it always seem like we have too much. I wish there were some better balance mechanism. I either come home exhausted and aching or at 2:00. Must use this as my motivation to get back to school. Hopefully a few days away will help refresh things.

We are putting the house up for sale. Well, kind of anyway. Doing it FSBO style for the time being. Tia's commute is grinding her down and I can't blame her for that. If I had an hour plus each way, I would have suggested it months ago. Kudos to her for holding out. We are hoping to walk (limp) away without writing a check, but don't expect anything actually going into our pockets. I don't really care. I like our house, but we bought it before her new job started and it isn't so nice that you should be miserable most of the week. Plus, with my work schedule, I am not even home half the weekends to enjoy it together. So, perhaps a return to renting is best. Especially if school is a realistic venture. Shaving a few hundred a month from our expenses would definitely help things along. I guess we'll see. It isn't exactly a prime market for sellers.

I suppose I should rouse myself from my stupor and do something today. Having a hard time since I just feeling so wrung out. Baby steps perhaps.

Forks

The discussion finally started to get serious last night about going back to school. With the new health care bill there will be a great need for nurse practitioners and I am definitely in a position to pursue that......but how?

First off, I should say that were I to go back to school, it wouldn't be for some time. Admissions occur in January and school starts in May, therefore the earliest I could conceivably start up again would be May 0f 2011, a full calendar year from now. That is both good and bad I suppose. Good: time to explore options, talk to professionals in field, talk to counselors at school, take entry exams that I can actually study for, and generally consider my options. Bad: the program itself is 2 years (at UP anyway) so I wouldn't be done until 2013 (age 36) with an additional god knows how many thousands in loans to stack up on top of my current array of them, the fear I have about going back to actual focused study, and all the life changes that might need to be made to accomodate it (less free time, less money, less time to help out around the house). The good news is that I should be able to work at least the first year of the program full time..........the second year is much more clinically based and would prove far more difficult to accomodate.

The most important thing, however, is that the education would (should) equate to a degree of autonomy that I don't have now and have always craved. It would open up new and difficult challenges that I love and hate equally (but mostly love). It would open up an array of doors. It would put me squarely where I think I should be instead of where I am.............but all that time, and money, and effort seem like such monumental undertakings, just like going back to nursing school did. Baby steps. For now, I need to focus on the GRE and then take the next step. Who knows, by this time next year I might be gearing up for school again. God help Tia if that happens :)

Homeopathy

I confess, I am ignorant as to the difference between homeopathy and Naturopathy. I think they are similar in approach, though probably different in many ways as well. So, I looked it up. While this site might not provide 100% accurate portrayals, it did seem to confirm my thoughts in my limited experiences with both, mainly that Homeopathy is kind of bunk while Naturopathy has at least some elements (perhaps many) of scientific merit. Here is why I think the way I do:

I have been seeing a friend and Naturopath recently for allergies/asthma. I cannot say for certain if it is working, but I can say I am feeling better. There are clinical trials that have studied the effects of many elements of the practice and it largely seems sound, even to someone reared on and currently entrenched in practicing Western medicine. Last night, Tia and I went to see a Homeopath speak on allergies. The concepts, which initially seemed vaguely credible, quickly broke down over the talk with my main concern being her espousal of the idea that dosage DOES NOT MATTER. The idea that you can take something in its most concentrated form and it will provide you the same benefit as its most dilute form. In fact, often the element is barely hinted at in the remedy.

Lets compare that with something more common: aspirin. Now, suppose you have a headache. You might take one pill, you might take 2. You might repeat the dose in 4 to 6 hours if you haven't had relief. You might reasonably assume that a stronger dose would bring more benefit. According to Homeopathy, you could either take 1000mg of aspirin or drop a baby aspirin (81mg) into a gallon of water, shake it liberally, and then take 2 tablespoonfuls of it and achieve a very similar result. You see, it is the essence of the cure that counts. It is that which I have a problem with. The idea of like cures like (flowers to cure allergies, etc) is not unreasonable. However, to assume that concentration and dosage matter not does not compute to me. But then again, maybe it is the belief in the sure as much as the cure itself. Who knows. In the meantime, I will stick with my Naturopath.

The essense of health

Wow! I was shocked when I realized that I haven't posted anything on my blog in quite some time. Not that I am at all consistent, but it is generally not because I just utterly lost track of time. Ah well, time to remedy that.

So, the big BIG BIG thing going on right now is taxes. This marks the first year for both Tia and I that we are not the recipients of the government's largesse. No, this year we are payers. It is hard to complain (not that hard actually, but for the sake of argument we shall pretend that I would have difficulty in engaging in such an act. Its called suspension of disbelief.......and you are going to need it in spades here) since it is due to the fact that our respective incomes have both risen from the year prior by nearly 80% (due in part to a truncated work year on my part) and we remained gainfully employed throughout the turns in the calendar. No minor feat considering the state of our economy. So, while that may mean less vacation and no sudden windfall, it also means that we are more fortunate than most.

in other news, my health has been relatively stable. I am not sure how much to owe it to Jen, my naturopath, and her tinctures, stopping certain meds I was taking that were clearly not benefiting me (and were in fact doing harm as near as I can figure), or how much of it is just chance. All I know for sure is that I like it very much. My APL accrual has never been so robust and taking real vacations now seems likely instead of just a pipe dream. That plus the increasingly good, albeit somewhat spotty, weather and you have a delightful combo (crossing ever finger while knocking on wood and wood-like furniture).

We attended an auction this past weekend that was, well, illuminating. I don't want to slag my old HS, but it was, at best, average for south Florida. Overcrowded (better than 700 in my class, and more than 1000 in my sisters 2 years later and always at more than 2800 total), occasionally violent (stabbings, threats of gun play and the like), and frequently underfunded. Tia's experience was clearly VERY different. Her private HS (St. Mary's) here in Portland held an auction that could not have brought in less than a few hundred thousand dollars. A few of the guests donated $10,000 straight up. Many more donated various amounts less, none altogether insubstantial (they did not even deign to ask lower than $100). I was amazed. The fund goes to lower the overall tuition for the school for each student by a few thousand dollars. Significant, but I still couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't be better spent offer full tuition to students without means or a much larger reduction for those with limited means. Seems like someone who could big $5000 for an Italian dinner for 10 cooked in their home would probably not notice a few thousand off a tuition bill. I also couldn't help but think what a different world it was than the one I knew in HS. Good on anyone who has the fortune to go to such a place. Guess that explains that while nearly 98% of the graduates of her school went on to college than my HS only graduated 57% period.

Been watching a lot of the Food Revolution with Jamie Oliver lately. It is illuminating and his earnestness is rather captivating. Whatever benefit he does for the community in West Virginia, I can say that he has made me start to re-examine my food choices (something I had promised myself I would do anyway). That and books by Michael Pollan make me realize that, sweet Jesus, we eat some awful shit. The latest example being the double down from KFC (pictured above) which is, at the very least, overindulgent and at worst criminally irresponsible. The fact that marketing research has proven (and I am sure sales will validate) that 2 pieces of fried chicken used as a bun of sorts for bacon, cheese, and a mayonnaise sauce could be in any way construed as food is revolting and frightening considering our already burgeoning weight problems. Yuck.

Well, off to exercise. If I need any more motivation I will just look at the Double Down. Blech!

Bend it like...........er, a bicycle riding, coffee drinking hippy

Tia frequently mentions that I talk too much about negative stuff on my blog (mostly work related unfortunately, which is still somewhat negative consider the lack of hours and general unease that floating causes), so I promised I would write something more uplifting. Well, that might be shooting high........how about at least not depressing. Seems much more attainable.

So, one good bit of work news, I got a raise evidently. Who knew? I got a review a few weeks back, but because of the state of finance in the hospital I didn't think it meant anything. Evidently it did. A nominal increase. So, though my hours are fractional, my pay is up by nearly 5% during those hours.

We just returned from Bend.......or frequent haunt. When we want to escape Portland, that is usually where we end up (though we have kind of mutually decided that this was the last trip for us there for awhile. It was getting a bit stale do to repetition). This time we eschewed our normal B&B for a new one at my behest. I can't say I was disappointed as the place was nice enough, the caretakers were lovely, and the amenities were fairly impressive, but it definitely was somewhat less than Cricketwood. The difference isn't that of Wendy's to a steakhouse, but rather two nice steakhouses, one of which throws in free dessert and alcohol........for the same price. The rooms are a little older, but the location is a bit more peaceful. Breakfast is on your time and whatever you want instead of a set menu at a set time. And the free wine and beer dont hurt. Still, it was nice to see something new and different.

I, unfortunately, ate something disagreeable on night 1 and the next day wasn't as eventful as we had planned it to be (which was a bummer more so because the next day, the weather was disagreeable while my stomach was quite amenable), but we did take in a comedy show that was being taped for a special (potentially on Showtime or Comedy Central). It was really interesting seeing all the cameras flying around and the show was quite good (and cheap at $10/ea). We also got to sit in a hot tub (though without the time travel capabilities that the movies would leave you to believe they are capable of) and generally unwind. Always sad to see it end, but the getaway plus a few days on the front end made for a nice 4 day vacation from work. I think we both needed that.

We are officially giving up on the Memory Foam mattress. Sadly, the one we have at least, isn't very comfy. It is ridiculously firm and kind of warm. Thankfully Costco rules and we are returning it and getting a different mattress from them.........and saving a few hundred bones to boot. Of course, this is weeks out (their return policy is good, just not especially expedient), but hopefully bed #2 will be the answer.

One more day on and then 2 off. As always, tomorrow will be a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Hopefully it isn't crazy busy because only one thing is certain at this point, we will be understaffed.

Floating

Floating. It sounds so ethereal. Pleasant. Benign. Unfortunately, it feels nothing at all like that.

Floating is just another rut in an already too rutted road. Another job related downer in a job market where just having a job, any job, is supposed to be a celebration of sorts. The proverbial, thats whats for dinner, if you don't like it then you get nothing.

Since I work at a hospital with 5 distinct sites, it is conceivable that you might land at any one of them rather than your own. Great if you love travel I suppose, but none affords much a change in scenery. Same shit, different place really. I spend most of my floating hanging out at the big bad in NoPo which, not mincing words, I abhor. I always feel lost there. Like I often did in school. Armed with too little information and not enough skill to do what was expected. Compared to my little park, the big bad is exactly that: higher acuity, higher diversity, and higher complexity. I never feel so much like I accomplish much there......but more so tick it off of my list for the day, thank my lucky stars that I won't be back for another week or two, and count myself fortunate to have survived the experience without screwing anything up too badly.

So, perhaps I should count myself fortunate to be floating on the next schedule to the land far-far away........that I will refer to as Nearly Troutdale (or NT). NT is a like sized hospital to the one I most frequently occupy, but on the complete other side of town. Better than an hour drive each way amongst traffic that I have no favorable words for and an even poorer disposition towards.

The whole thing just makes me sad. I took a job where I truly enjoy being........around people I genuinely like.........in a hospital that fits me. And yet, the economy looms large and I am left with a job that finds me feeling often lost around people I don't know in hospitals that I would never opt to work at. But, in the end, what can you do? You can complain and bitch and moan, but you cannot change the facts. You can look around, but the field is barren. I guess I just miss it. I miss having the job that I really enjoyed being at. I wonder if it will ever come back. Part of me doesn't believe it ever will.

One thing I do know however is that, until it does come back, I guess I will just be floating.

Spending money and yada yada

I realize that there is no tacit skill involved in spending money. Anyone can do it, from individuals in deep wells of debt from impulsive purchases, to people in the same holes because jobs have failed them and necessities still need to be purchased. Hell, our government is the worst offender. If only we could all afford to spend without income and do so with regular impunity (or, uh, pass it on to our kids and grandkids............poor suckers :) like the Fed does. Dare to xdream.

I am more mentioning this idea because my wife and I are in the midst of a bit of a 'spree'. I say that with some reserve of course, because we don't tend to spend more than we can pay off and, if we do, it involves careful shopping and some kind of 0% if you pay it off in time deal. Plus, I am a bit of an obsessive researcher. So, what ends up happening is a little give and take until a middle is generally reached. For example, we just bought a new memory foam bed. We started with the concept of buying a new bed period...........a coil mattress like we already have. Then, the reading started. Then the trying out of mattresses. At the end of the week, we went from spending a few hundred theoretical dollars on a coil, to nearly a grand on a 100% latex from Ikea (we balked when their return policy only gave back store credit........that is a LOT of money to spend at Ikea), to nearly $2600 on a Tempurpedic (sp). Ultimately, we landed just somewhere about half the pedic and went with an online bed from Costco. So far, based on Tia's continuing back ailments, I would say it is a mixed bag. I like it though...........thankfully costco has a very liberal return policy. More on that if we need to use it.

We also had to have a new bed frame for our bed...........ended up with a cheap one from Overstock (at this rate I won't need to EVER buy anything at terrestrial stores again). Was under $275 with slats and looks pretty modern and sleek (plus it is metal, so no more particle board!). The first one arrived dinged though.............thankfully Overstock's CS is also stellar and they shipped us out a new (and thankfully undamaged) one ASAP.

We also splurged on an anniversary trip to Las Vegas. I kind of dig Vegas........though I am never exactly sure why. Maybe it is the sheer over-the-topness of it, the spectacle of seeing the Eiffel tower near dancing fountains and pirate ships. Who knows. Whatever the reason, I enjoy my visits there. However, because I am horrendously cheap, I tend to never stay anywhere that would be classified as nice. Or at least not presently nice. We usually land somewhere in old Vegas..........where the rooms are cheap and so is the gambling. This time, for reasons unknown to me since I would not consider myself a high-roller (or a roller period really since I gamble very little), we were offered an incredible deal from the Wynn. I have heard that it is, bar none, the nicest place to stay in Vegas. Not only did they throw us the room for less than $100 a night, they also gave us 2 free tickets to their cirque show, Le Rev (which would have run us about $250 for 2 tickets). At least there are some upshots to our crap economy.......especially in Vegas.

Our last, though yet not consummated, purchase is to be a cruise sometime in the late summer/early fall. A real vacation. Only, it is really not easy to pick which line you want to go on. Each ship is unique in certain ways and so, by giving up one thing you are gaining another. Do we want a small ship that is more personal or a large ship with more to beguile us? Do we want something brand spanking new or would an older ship suffice (granted even older ships are only about a decade at sea)? Is the food most important or the pools? Even picking a room is a bit flummoxing. People rave about balconies, but they add about a grand to the total cost of the trip........money that could go to excursions. You even pay about $300-$400 more for a window that is partially, if not completely, obstructed. WTF is that about? Not that I am complaining about the plenitude of options...........it is a vacation after all. Something to look forward to.......and right now I need it.

While I am grateful that Vegas has been hit by the economy to the point that I seem like a desirable customer, unfortunately it is not going well at LE at present. The Park (where I work) is still above board and doing well, but we are not a stand alone for better or worse and the rest of the system is not turning a profit. So, the result is that we are cutting back just about everywhere............which means a lot of cut hours. They are trying to be equitable and, presently, it is about one shift every 2 weeks they are flexing us. Not god-awful, but it does mean about a 12-15% a paycheck reduction. Not cool when the bills stay exactly the same.

Plus, as an added bonus in my dept, we are being floated around to other sites as the need arises to fill gaps to accrue what hours remain. So, instead of my happy home hospital, I am left to spend too many days at EH (the big bad) where I feel somewhere between incompetent and bemused. It is like perpetually being on your first day at work. I never know where anything is, they are constantly changing the ways they do things and I am never given enough information. Just yesterday I was there and didnt know that my phone was forwarded from the night shift (no one told me), so I spent most of the first few hours wandering around aimlessly for lack of anything to do thinking that I wasnt needed anywhere. Turns out I was and they finally found me on one of the units and passed me a to-do list that had been accumulating. Lovely. To top it off, they start an hour earlier than we do and it is about an extra 20 minutes of driving. Feels a LOT like being in nursing school. No bueno!

The other major event (well, relatively) that has transpired since my last post was my 33rd bday. Christ I am getting old. As if the grey hairs and the accumulating aches arent symbols enough, the damn calender keeps turning. It was a fun celebration broken up in two parts though........one with family, the other with friends. Spent the family portion eating hibachi food, opening presents (still fun no matter how old you get :), and eating yummy carrot cake (which I am assured counts as a vegetable). Big fun. Spent the friends portion at a fondue happy hour, hitting up Ground Kontrol (where I totally rock at Galaga and Pac-Man and suck at pretty much everything else) and then ended up the evening at Pix for some over-the-top confections. What cons there are in this town (predominately the weather), it cannot be said that there isn't an array of things to do, eat, or drink. We nearly (the timing just wasnt working) went glow-in-the-dark, indoor, 3D, pirate mini-golfing as well (yes it is real). My kind of fun.........the utterly ridiculous kind.

I think I have covered most of what is going on. The allergies seem to be leveling out meaning that either: whatever it was is done blooming, the naturopathic treatments are working, or the steroids are working. Hard to know. Will be interesting to try to wean off some of the steroids and seeing if I remain upright (at least I am only on the inhaled ones now.......the oral ones kicked my ass). Gotta stay healthy enough to accrue vacation time.

Hope everyone is healthy and well. Will try to post again within the week. Promise.

Breaking down

Now I won't pretend that I have ever been the bastion of health. I have long had lungs made of the same stuff at Greg Oden's knee.......wrist........er, whole body I guess. Fragile is the word. I spent the majority of my younger years ping-ponging from rail thin to super chunky depending on whether we had a dog or not and, even at my most hearty, I would never be confused with a runner. My body (lungs) just would not tolerate it. I was always more susceptible to bronchitis and colds and flus were recipes for disaster. However, none of that compares to the relative lack of health I have been experiencing of late.

I know the whys........I am surrounded on a daily basis by the sickest of the sick. I am exposed to dozens of people a day, not including all the associated staff and family members. My job is relatively high stress. I live in a verdant evergreen valley that sends forth a litany of allergenic agents that further tax my overwhelmed system. I cannot seem to find a path that leads to me being upright and mobile for more than a few weeks at a time (my wife may argue even less).

What to do remains the most burning unanswered, and perhaps unanswerable , question. I mean, the economy sucks, my family and friends also live in this toxic-to-me valley and my allergist and doctors all seem a bit lost. Well, I am taking what steps I can.

I am applying to just about any job tangentially related to nursing without the same level of patient contact. I am of course getting rejected more often than a 5 footer driving to the rim on an NBA center. It is dispiriting and disappointing, but not shocking. Take a bad economy, mix liberally with a bunch of RNs with more experience seeking re-entry into full time employ, and the results are pretty much preordained unless I can at least get an interview. That rarely occurs of course without an in. The process continues.

The valley seems unwilling to relent in its assault on my person, so I am doing what is within my meager limits to fight back. Meds, meds, meds. oh yeah.......and more meds. I am often left with the choice of spacey and dried out or red-eyed and runny.........like having to pick between warm PBR or High Life. Allergy shots seem to exasperate not alleviate. Docs just want to try more meds. So, I am seeing a naturopath (and friend) in hopes that she has more answers........or at least different ones. I hope. I hope. I hope.

The only other hope at the moment is a large fortune fortuitously landing upon us leading to my being able to quit working and Tia suddenly and inexplicably pining for life in the high desert. I am not sure which is the more, or less, likely of the two. In the meantime, I repeatedly feel like I am failing Tia.........unable to be the person that she wants because I am not healthy enough to be that person always. Just enough to make it appear to be so, but then violently yanked from beneath us both. So, I will just try to focus on what I can control until they make a bubble I can live and work in. Wish me luck as always. I could use it at the moment.