frame of mind

I know I use the blog as a place to complain about my job...........and for good reason, as it is a large part of what I do and is depersonalized enough to be relate-able without stepping on anyone's feet. The funny thing about blogs is that, the more people you know who read them, the less you can really say. But, I digress.

I am not a great worker. I mean, I do work hard when I am there, work well with anyone I work alongside, cause little trouble, learn quickly, and generally do a good job. However, I also don't like the tedium of working, lose interest once I have learned my position, and generally fidget like a sugared up toddler at an all day insurance seminar once I realize that movement is only lateral not vertical. This has been a Brobignagian problem in nursing. Because, though there is much to learn, once it is learned, you are pretty much at a plateau until a series of unfortunate events claim those with more seniority. Unlike at my first clinical job where downtime allowed for additional education and there was a focus on a disease process (in that case asthma/allergy), now I kind of learn little bits here and there when there is time, but there is very seldom opportunity to work one-on-one with a doctor to pick their brain or even get to work alongside peers (the only other RN does the same job as I do and we spend, maybe, 5 minutes a day conversing about patient issues or socializing in the least). So, while I am certainly not working on an assembly line at a chicken processing factory, I am not content either. And I don't know how to get there, so I keep looking elsewhere without much success.

I have postulated this before, and I think it may be true, but my general ancy nature related to work may, by and large, be the reason why I revel in the opportunities to move to different cities/countries. Maybe the sense of exploration and wonder I don't get at work, I get by learning the nooks and crannies of new places.

The person I feel the worst for in this is Tia..........because I know she does not share my general ennui with all things Portland and has a job that, while often frustrating, seems to generally offer her variety, challenge, and opportunities. And Tia is a good worker. She really values it in a way that I don't, which is generally as a necessary evil. I can appreciate that and understand why she doesn't necessarily share my flights of fantasy about uprooting and going somewhere else. Instead she gets to listen to my general dissatisfaction, nod in the right places, and hope like hell that I don't bring it up again tomorrow. For my part, I do genuinely try not to.

Until something new happens, I will try to focus and try not to chew my nails to nubs and start habitually popping Xanax to soothe my psyche, even if I am all atwitter on the inside.