My back

Whoa!  I almost made it through the entire month of June without a post.  So far my plan to keep up with my blog is going about as well as my plan to start running again or floss ever.  Sigh.

At least presently I have an excuse for the lack of cardio, my back is effed up.  I am not even sure when it happened.  There was no moment that I thought, 'shit, that is really going to hurt later.'  Nope.  Just me and the whole getting older thing I guess.  Anyway, I came home on Sunday after my shift and felt fine (though tired.....it is hard to get used to doing 10s and pushing a cart all over the place as compared to working in the clinic where your brain is more taxed than your body is....hence the whole back thing).  Then I awoke at 3am with this horrible pain and didnt sleep thereafter.  Called out for my shift and made an apt for a massage thinking it was just a strain.

Massage was helpful, but the next day it felt like someone has spent the entire day punching up and down my spine.  I was hobbling around and it was painful to get up or down or to lift anything above my waist.  But, I thought there wasnt much I could really do and that the massage would ultimately help.

Come Thursday, I finally just went to the doc.  Pain was no radiating from the initial low back locale to my shoulder blades and my hips.  Thankfully, as I had guessed, it was just muscular and not bone related.  Also thankfully they gave me a muscle relaxer and some pain medication.  I had never been on a muscle relaxer before and I have to say they are FRIKKEN amazing!  Finally the pain abated and I could start feeling normalish again (the downside is they really do hammer you from an alertness perspective.  It felt like I was drunk).  So, hopefully this weekend shit starts to heal up.  I HATE using so much of my sick/vacation bank for actually being ill.

In other news, we are a week out from owning 2 properties.  Paperwork is signed and we take possession on the 25th.  Will be terrifying.  We dont move until the 3rd, so we will have a little time to clean, etc before jamming our stuff into the new place.  In the interim I thought/hoped to pull up the flooring and get new carpeting.  However, it turns out that new carpeting would be about 5K, so cleaning it is!  Then, once we are out of our current place, we need to get it staged and put on the market, hopefully around the middle of July.  After that it is just time to cross our fingers and hope we can sell it quickly (and full price or better would also be excellent!)  It is going to be a hell of a month for sure.

Quinn is almost 2 years old.  Crazy!  I cant believe it has been that long already.  He is really fun to be around now (well, 95% of the time anyway.........which is better than most people let alone toddler people) and is developing quite the sense of humor.  I am excited that the new place with allow us to have our super nanny, Gloria, downstairs and really hope that things work out well.

Back to packing.  Where did we get so much stuff from!

The Couv

It is looking more and more like our days in Portland might be numbered.  We appear to be very near to moving to yet another state.  All the way to Vancouver, Washington.

I think it might be an adjustment.  Legalized gay marriage, booze in the grocery store, and fireworks with no restrictions.  Oh yeah, and they are moving to legalize marijuana.  Plus they have no state income tax and they pick up your trash EVERY week. It is a libertarian utopia!   But, there is also the whole sale's tax thing.  Oh, and working in Portland does not allow you to escape the income tax thing.  Plus the state is adjacent to Canada......and you know how unstable and prone to warmongering they are!

We have an accepted offer and had our inspection today.  Also broached the subject of our nanny moving across the border with us (did I mention it is an upper lower duplex!).  Will have the report tomorrow, though nothing appeared to be significantly wrong.  Of course, they can also see what is visible.  Then we will need to go back to the owners and see what, if anything, they will fix for us (or cut the price).  But I really do hope it works out.  I am tired of the general choppiness of the neighborhoods (at least the ones we can afford) and the idea of being able to walk Quinn to a decent school is very very appealing (plus, they have WAY less shootings in their area!).

More to come.

Humans make mistakes, but humans in HR just make more

So, I just got off the phone with HR.  

TWICE!

First call (they left a message):

"This is (name redacted) with HR.  It appears that your Washington RN license is expired.  I dont know how you are supposed to work your new position if this is the case (frantic).  I hope you have not worked their recently.  Please submit for your WA renewal and get back to me as soon as you do."

I call back after verifying that, in fact, this is not true.  My license expires in 2015 on my birthday.

Me:  "Hi, I received a message that my license is expired and I am looking at the website and it appears to be active.  I just renewed it in March."

HR: "Oh, I am so sorry.  I was just told this by the business office.  I suppose that will teach me to check on these things myself before I call people.  So sorry to have alarmed you.  I will print it off and correct it."

Me: "No problem, thanks for fixing it."

2 minutes passes and phone rings again:

HR: Hi this is (name redacted) and I am sorry to bother you again, but I am looking at the page and on the one page is says it expires in 2016 and on the other page is says it expires in 2015 and (realizes it is 2014)..........oh, I see now.  Oh. I am so sorry for calling you again.  You must not think much of me and HR.  So sorry to have bothered you again with this."

Sigh.  It is any wonder why I don't trust our HR at all.  This is the same group that nearly lost me the job 3 years ago when I had to re-apply while working there because they neglected to check a box.  The same group who, when I called 5 years ago ran me around and around and basically treated my phone calls inquiring about the status of my application treated me like a telemarketer calling at dinner time.

I suppose I should be grateful though.  If a day ever comes when they opt to terminate my employment, what is the likelihood that they will be able to process that paperwork correctly?  

Does it count if I wrote it in April?

Well, this is my last week in the clinic.  Last Friday was really bittersweet as all three of my afternoon patients were visibly upset that I am moving back to the floor.  Two of the three also clearly weren’t fond of the less gentle method of IV placement that my replacement uses.  However, she finds the numbing agent to make the process less effective and, given the option of using it and potentially having to re-stick, most would prefer going without.  However, I don’t find it has any impact on most people’s veins…at least those that are healthy enough to come into the outpatient clinics.  That said, I think my (temporary) replacement will do very well.  She is very intelligent, has years of experience, and has the same jovial personality that I do.  She may not engage with the patients in the same manner that I do (part of it is my belief that the experience should be made more personal and personable and part of it, as my wife and her eardrums would attest, is my inability to shut up), but I have no doubts she will provide safe and effective care (at least until she goes on maternity leave in the summer). 

As far as who will be the one to take over the clinic ‘permanently’, there are still some questions.  Though, it appears, they will be opting to put a former employee in the position over the person that they had spoken of previously from out of state.  This is fine in some regards as I do not doubt the skill and ability the former employee brings to bear and she will be thoroughly familiar with the system and the clinic.  On the other side, she is not a very committed person…kind of a nursing vagabond really.  How long she will choose to tolerate the generally languid pacing and lack of internal support for the clinic will be interesting to see.  I have not been part of the process though, so I am unsure of what (or when) someone new will walk through the door.  All I know is that, come Friday, I will be little more than an occasional fill in.  Honestly, the whole thing bums me out. 

But, as there is no plan for the clinic going forward my choices were limited.  I could have ridden it out to its termination point of course, but that would have left me with precious few options when (and if) it occurred.  With one option still being closing the clinic, I could have found myself working on call at best.  Considering my utter lack of success in procuring a position outside of the department (a fact that still mystifies me as I have been a well-reviewed employee of the company for 5 years now), my confidence in moving to anything other than overnight butt-wiping shifts was low.  My other options would have put me on evenings, which would have put undue stress on Tia (M-F from 4p-1230a?  3 or 4 days a week from 5p-230a??) or me  (Pediatrics?).  So, in the game of work blackjack, I stayed on 17.  My hope at this point is that, down the line, a clinic gig will open up at the Creek.  Until then………well, the floor it is. 

Speaking of the floor, I am excited to have coworkers again.  Though, I must say, I would dearly like them to be more consistent in their attendance and perhaps fuller in their rolls of on-call employees.  How they ALWAYS manage to be understaffed by at least one if not 2 employees is beyond my understanding considering the abundance of unemployed RNs in the area and the higher pay and better benefits that working in a hospital affords.  But, it seems we have rarely been in any other position and this is truly the eye of the storm.  When there is a sick call at a peripheral site, they pull from here.  When there is a sick call here, they pull from the thin rolls of our on-calls (we had two reliable and hard working on-calls RNs, but both had to retire to start claiming their pensions or risk losing money by working, though both expressed the desire to continue doing so).  Sigh.  I just have to remember that some days will be tough and some days will be easy and in all cases to try to stay within myself and just do my job and not worry about how many rounds or starts are ahead of me as I can only control what I do.  I am sure it will be easier said than done. 

In Quinn’s latest Quinnism, we were at the grocery checking out and the clerk said hello to Quinn, who looked at her and said “I don’t want to talk right now.”  Quinn also got have a full on sugar Sunday when he had a belated Easter at grandma and gramps with his cousin that involved candy (of course) sweet rolls, and juice.  Then, following a nap, got to go to a birthday party for a neighbor’s kid and had cake and played in the bounce house (and took a whack at a piñata).  All in all, a pretty good day to be a toddler. 

Look with your eyes

Tia was telling me her parents, when she was out, would tell her to 'look with her eyes, not with her hands.'  I am sure we all heard that at some point in our respective childhoods.  Most of us basically understood that it was strictly hands off.  Quinn, however, is a little more clever.  He then leans over and puts his eye on the item in question (generally knocking it over that way).  Parents = 0.  Quinn = 1.  He has also now figured out the round door handles.  We are truly in trouble now.

We put in our second offer on a house that was, like the first one, outbid by others.  Also, like the first one, it was in the SW.  We have also briefly (VERY briefly) started looking around in some of the Vancouver school districts.  The market there is nearly the polar opposite of the market in Portland.  Largely, this is due to the commute being really awful and the fact that they have no growth boundaries.  Where Portland is dense, they are sprawling.  And where we are building condos and apartments, they are putting in homes.  Huge homes.  Like 2000-3500 sq feet and better homes.  The damnedest thing is you can get one of them for significantly less than here, with lower property taxes to boot.  Yet, houses linger on the market there for weeks and months.  Here we compete against 4 offers on the first day.  It is strange what a river and a bridge can mean.

Though it is somewhat dispiriting, the truth is there is no hurry and letting ourselves get swept up in the frenzy will not be to our benefit.  While we love our neighbors, the neighborhood is still not quite done clearing out the debris of years past.  To whit, there is still a rental property/grow house and a nice enough group of older meth heads both within spitting distance.  Plus, the schools are pretty damn near bottom feeding.  Yet, the area is 'hot' because it is so close to so many things.  The search continues.

It appears that the clinic may soon be in my rear view.  I start back on the floor in May.  I am not thrilled about it because I will lose a lot of what I love to do, but I am really trying to focus on the benefits of working in a team and not possibly/potentially being sold and/or closed at some point down the line.  It is a gamble I felt I had to make.  Plus, there always remains a chance that something opens up at our Washington location down the line.  Then a move to Vancouver would really make sense.

Had jury duty the other day.  More accurately I should say I spent the morning getting up early, driving to Gresham, waiting in lines, watching a video, and then being dismissed along with 50 or so other people.  Sigh.  If I am going to get called, it would be nice to be part of an actual proceeding.

The sun is finally back.  Hurrahs all around!  Can't wait to spend days at parks and nights at outdoor concerts again instead of shuttered indoors with the rest of my hibernating Portland bretheren.  

Offer number one

Trying to keep up with my blog is going about as well as trying to start running again…or flossing…or cleaning out the house.  But, given the chance to rectify one of those things, I am opting for the blog because I have a patient gap and am too exhausted to contemplate the running or cleaning and, lets face it, flossing just isn’t going to happen. 

I have, finally (sorta kinda), some job news.  I have been hired on to take over a floor position.  I currently work 4-8s.  I will be moving into 3-10s, along with what I hope will be the odd shift every week or two.  The upside, obviously, is one less day.  The downside is that I will be back to working every other weekend, some holidays (tbd), and the shifts will obviously be 25% longer.  The other news is that no one, not even my boss, knows when I will be starting this position as they have to now post, then interview, then hire and train a new person for my current job.  That is unless OHSU is still picking it up in June/July, in which case I will stay here until that happens.  No one knows that either.

Why change?  First off, it was not an easy decision.  While it can be frustrating at times and while I would dearly love at least a part time second nurse, I still do like what I do.  I will miss some of my patients a great deal.  However, the stories I have heard from the nurses who did go through the transition and have since left have been troubling at best and disheartening at worst.  Perhaps they will get the issues sorted out by the time they move on to this clinic, but I was not hopeful.  Additionally, though it is indeed a good skill to have and one I would not mind having as a piece of my practice, I really don’t want majority of my job to revolve around chemotherapy.  I have worked with chemo patients before, mainly doing blood transfusions, and it is just a terrible thing to watch the effects of the medications and the disease eat away at them.   Plus, the volumes they demand eliminates the true joy of getting to know the patients in the way that personalizes the experience.  So, ultimately, I worry about losing pretty much everything I enjoy about my job anyway…so why not go back to relearn the floor and placing PICC lines? 

Other than the job stuff and how it will possibly impact everything from childcare to Tia’s sanity, is that our nanny share looks to have a finite end point.  The gal we share with is pregnant with her second kiddo and due in October.   At that point they are going to look at putting their first born into daycare.  Plus, with my schedule shifting, we may well need to alter our care needs.  Oh yeah, and we are still looking to possibly move to a better school district which would blow up the share anyway.  Sigh.  You can never fully comprehend the sheer amount of things that change once you have a kid until you have one.  It really does touch on pretty much everything.

  

We also put in our first offer on a home since we started looking.  Shooting for a much upgraded school district.  It ended up being a microcosm of the housing market here as a whole.  It was on the market for 1 day.  We were one of 4 offers presented.  We were 1% above and non-contingent, which ended up being the lowest bid.  They ended up taking an all cash offer 2% above list.  This all in 24 hours.  You gotta move fast.  Oh yeah, and have hundreds of thousands in cash on hand.  

37

This is what I wrote a few weeks ago and never actually posted it on my blog:

“I feel like hell today.  Tia and I continue to have abrasive encounters that serve only to make us both feel worse.  I know she just doesn’t know how to deal with me.  The truth is, no one can ‘know’ what it is like unless they have experienced it.  Using the near ubiquitous example of cancer; everyone feels badly you’re afflicted, everyone expresses sincere concern and well wishes, but no one can do a damn thing to help you and, ultimately, no one but someone who has experienced it can fully appreciate what it is like to live with.   It colors everything. 

This is all so much harder because of Q.  Not that he bears any responsibility, but rather that he needs attention, patience, and focused love and energy, all things that I have in finite stores.  And, there are no ‘breaks’ to recharge low reserves and no way to explain how I feel to him.  Then I feel worse because it feels like I am failing him, and not just myself.  I want to be who I imagine I am as a father, not who I actually am.  The same could be said as my role as a husband.  Sometimes I just feel like a glorified babysitter and roommate respectively; dogpaddling to stay above the waves and frequently succumbing to them, if only momentarily.”

In the intervening weeks, I have actually found some light.  Tia and I are doing a better job of communicating.  I am working with a therapist who genuinely seems to be helping me.  I am working on mindfulness and meditation techniques to quiet my symptoms.  My overall state of mind is just better.  I won’t (and can’t) call it cured, but it at least much improved. 

Other things of note: 

-          The bathroom remodel is finally finished…..er, sort of.  We are still waiting on a new part for the bath fixture and the toilet, but otherwise the hardware is re-hung, the walls are painted, and the pieces are all workable.  One final caveat though, it might all end up having to be started again.  We hired a contractor we had worked with previously.  He is nice and conscientious and punctual.  However, it also appears he is the world’s worst tile layer.  The grout lines are uneven, the tiles are not uniform in height on the floor nor the walls.  In short, it looks like someone who has never laid tile before (though he evidently has).  He has offered to come ‘fix it’ but it appears it may be beyond a fix.  It might need to be entirely redone.  WE will have to further discuss on Wednesday.  It is just hard to know where to start.  My hope is we can come to some accord and get at least some money refunded so we can hire another contractor to tile it.  Sigh.  Nothing like spending $7K and being generally unhappy.  In the future I think we will just focus on ‘freshening up’ the look (new paint, accessories) and not demoing.  More to come.

-          It appears like there will not be any clarity anytime soon on the job front.  I spoke with some new hires who had recently defected from the GS clinic and they did not have very many positive experiences to share.  They also thought that the July target was pretty much untenable as there remains to many problems with the system that need repairing before it would make sense to add any additional clinics.  They thought that early 2015 was more likely.  Of course since we have had ZERO information provided to us from OHSU regarding the clinic and the manager who I was in contact with over there quit, their words are pretty much all I have to go on. 

-          New opportunity?:  However, in the interim, a new opportunity has presented itself.  One of the floor staff tendered their resignation meaning a 3 day a week 10 hour shift shift has become available.  There are no guarantees that it would go to me as it has to be posted in the system and, IF anyone with more seniority wanted it they would have priority, but at least it offers some hope of an option outside of staying through the buyout.  I would be able to re-learn the process of placing PICC lines as well, which would be great.  I have also heard that there might be an opportunity down the line for a clinic position in Washington, but I won’t hold my breath on that one.  Essentially it would mean an employee they are less than inclined to keep would have to submit their resignation and/or do something horrendous to be let go.  But, it might be something that opens up down the line and provide me an opportunity to get back into the clinic.  In the interim, hopefully I can pop in now and again to keep my skills from atrophying.   

-          Quinn was in the backseat on a drive somewhere when he starts grunting.  He was evidently trying to take off his shoes and socks.  When I asked him about it he responded ‘Quinn frustrated.’  Nice use of the word in proper context.  I still have a hard time believing he is only 19 months old sometimes.  His vocabulary continues to impress me. 

-          Have been kind of peeking around at homes lately and touring a few.  It is a crazy fast market right now.  We went to an open house yesterday that had been on the market for one day.  The Realtor told us they accepted an offer 20 minutes before the open for over asking.  Our Realtor said there are clients putting in offers on homes they haven’t even seen (I guess banking on the inspection providing an out should they need one).  It is weird.  Makes me badly want to sell and rent…but there isn’t really anywhere to rent either, certainly nothing that would make sense to do financially.  But, worst case, we are happy where we live and private schools are always an option down the line should the local schools still be ranked as poorly as they are currently. 

-    Oh yeah, and I am 37 now.  

 

Snowpocalypse Now!

We are quickly zeroing in on our 19^th month of Quinn.  It is a strange and beautiful thing to watch, frustrating though it may be at times.  I continue to struggle in coping with his general ‘toddlerness’ which is a bit more constancy that I can tolerate without a break or two.  Oftentimes that break comes in the form of his nap (and if luck is on your side, you might get 2+ hours).  Sometimes that nap doesn’t happen at all.  Or, in the case of Wednesday, it gets interrupted after a scant 20 minutes = no rest and an unhappy toddler.  By the time Tia gets home, I am generally bleary eyed and exhausted and Quinn is going through his now routine 5pm meltdown.   It isn’t pretty.  

What am I doing to combat this, for lack of a better term, ‘failure’ on my part?  Well, running into roadblocks mostly.  I was able to see a therapist on Monday, but the next available follow up isn’t until the 28^th; nearly 4 full weeks away from the initial visit.  He also offered that they have classes I might participate in, though they are held at times and on days that only someone who either had flexibility that my job does not, or have no job at all, could manage to attend.  The other options are financially tough to accept.  Therapists seem to range in cost from about $100/hr up to around $150/hr, with most settling somewhere in the space between.  I can get a 90 minute massage for less than that and I assure you I will enjoy that far more, but, it might be the only viable option soon.  Even to further discuss my medications will take a while, as my primary didn’t have an available appointment until the 24^th.  The Kaiser system is clearly not set up to deal with mental health. 

Our bathroom project continues to be rife with complications but, thankfully, none appear (thus far) major.  Our tile is delayed until the 10^th.  This after our samples were ‘forgotten’ and had to be re-ordered delaying the whole process by a week.  Then, the day our plumber came and unwrapped the new tub, it had a crack in it.  Thankfully Tia was able to get George Morlan to figure something out and they were able to wrangle up a new one (ours took 2 weeks on order initially so we weren’t terribly hopeful).  Now the weather has further delayed things as the inspector’s office is closed and our contractor can’t make it to our house.  On the upshot, it might make it so the tile delay will work out.  It seems like every day leads to yet another delay.  If we only had the one bathroom I would be quite pissed. 

Weather has been crazy, with Portland no longer being spared the artic weather the other parts of the country have been enduring.  A few inches Thursday, another few Saturday, and then a bit of freezing rain to top it off.  Looks to be about over now.  This is yet another reason I like living close to work (and having a relatively flat commute at that).  A lot of people were stuck sleeping at the hospital.  

One thing we learned for sure, Quinn is not much a fan of snow.  Also, Quinn hates to be stuck inside.  Creates quite the dilemma as you might imagine.  So we spent a LOT of time huddled up in the house with him.  Also, Tia was ill on Saturday.  Surprisingly it went pretty well all things considered.  Just the same, I will be very glad indeed if next weekend's weather is more accommodating.  

    

   

50% percentile

So far the New Year hasn't proven to be all that great.  It started with the flu and I am still struggling with depression.  Just when I think I am up the proverbial hill, I slide right back down.   I am going to try counseling again (maybe the second time is the charm?) and see if I connect better with someone else and, this time, I am going to push harder for some medication counseling as well to see if there is anything else they can do for me that way.  I don’t want to be in a fog, but I don’t want to keep up this metronome like swinging pattern between relative ‘normalcy’ and this crushing sense of being overwhelmed by life. 

Not much new with work.  Operating under the ‘no news is good news’ paradigm for the time being.  I would assume some news would start to trickle out in the Spring.  In the interim, just trying to stay healthy and actually accrue some time off to do something I want to do vs. using it all for an array of ailments both physical and mental. 

Parents are coming in May.  Excited for my mom and dad to finally meet Quinn (my mom has met him previously, but he was little more than a bundle of needs at that point) and to be able to hang out.  Hopefully we get some good weather too.

Quinn is continuing to do well.  He is fully entrenched in the growth curve now (finally).  At his 18mo check-up, he moved into the 50^th percentile (after lingering around the 20^th at his other checkups including the one year) in height and head circumference.  He is still around the 20^th for his weight, but I think he will eventually catch up there as well (or maybe not…..who knows).  At any rate, he is healthy and that is a huge relief thinking back to his very bumpy start. 

The only downside now is he is more and more testing bounds and pushing his independence.  Add to that the innate curiosity toddlers have for EVERYTHING and a weird ability to remember seemingly everywhere that things reside in our house (he even remembers seeing a bug on the ceiling a month ago and still looks for it) and you have to keep near constant vigilance when he is awake. 

Speaking of being awake, he resides in that state more and more.  Sunday he didn't nap at all (save MAYBE 5 minutes in the car).  Friday night he didn't sleep well at all and Tia and I were barely functional all day.  He also has cut off about 90 minutes from his evening slumber.  So, he used to sleep from about 9p to 8a.  Now it is more like 9p to 630a.  This is not a welcome change.  Hopefully the sleep deprivation will eventually allow me to pass out early enough that 630 doesn't seem so cruel and unusual eventually. 

  

The results are in

I have the flu.

Shit.