Choose another 'path'

Tia told me the other day that my blogs read kind of negatively.  I don’t see it that way, but evidently she does and, I assume, maybe others do as well.  It isn’t my intent and certainly not some condemnation of my life at present.  I just generally write about things I feel strongly about, whether they be extremely good or not so good.   The major gist is, this isn’t a painting of my life as a whole, but rather a series of snapshots.  Because honestly, who wants to hear about the generalities and mendacity that make up a stereotypical day? 

On to actual events, there is some seemingly exceedingly positive news; we have found a daycare.  We went to 3 in-home sites and found one that had the right combination of safety, location, price and mission.  The first place we visited was also very promising, but all things being equal we didn’t see anything that made it worth nearly 25% more per month.  It is still not ‘cheap’ but it is comparatively reasonable.  The only two high comedy watermarks came at the only center we visited (and walked quickly out of as it appeared to be run by the homeless and what appeared to be an amalgamation of every late middle aged woman you see on ‘Hoarders’) and at the last in-home care we saw. 

The last place had a wildly different POV on parenting, largely in their refusal to negate anything.  In our hour we saw the woman who runs the place’s daughter pick up an ink pen.  Her mother gave her the option (or ‘path’ in her speak) of putting the pen in her cubby or giving it to her mother.  She chose neither, opting instead to write on the wall.  The presented another series of ‘paths’ to redirect her from drawing on the wall and led to her drawing on her dress.  That failing, she was given 2 other paths and, you guessed it, chose to start drawing on her body.  Then we had to sit and talk about the place after our tour, and while other care centers introduced us to the kids, took us on a tour, and then brought us somewhere to discuss and ask questions, she chose the ‘path’ of having most of the kids climb on her like a jungle gym and interrupt her every sentence.  Meanwhile her assistant did nothing to ‘redirect’ them elsewhere.  I envisioned Tia and I having to spend every night trying to undo the learning each day.  Honest to god, it was like being on a bad blind date.  You show up and the other person launches into diatribe lifted from Fox news and you know instantly you need to extricate yourself, but end up sitting through dinner because you can’t figure out a polite way to do so.  It is an hour I will never get back, but at least it provided some interesting stories.  And for that, we thank you.

We also have finally finished our nursery.  Once we get a car seat, we will be ‘unofficially’ done buying stuff (or getting stuff as the case may be).  I am very pleased with how it came out.  Tia and I had to be creative to get it to work within budget and special thanks to everyone who sent us Dr. Seuss books, to Diane for the Cat in the Hat clock and lampshade, and to My mom’s friend Rhonda for the beautiful hand made Cat in the Hat blanket.   

As for work, well that just gets stickier and stickier and I am finding it difficult to remain above the morass.  They approved the position here and will be posting it “soon” per my supervisor.  However, the position at the Park remains murky.  If the charge there, KV, opts to cut back her schedule to 4 days a week (per her, she was just hoping to do every other Thursday), they may post the position there as a .8 instead of a .6.  This obviously could prove troublesome from a childcare perspective, though we could probably still make it work 3 days a week.  Honestly, my major concern is when the hell they are going to post it.  The only upside (and it isn’t a huge one) is I have not put my notice in in any shape or form, so they can’t just get rid of me until that occurs and if that were to happen I could collect unemployment at that point, possibly mitigating the need to have childcare initially.  But again, WTF!?!?  The next step is evidently KV contacting our actual supervisor, interim as she may be, instead of the nurse exec at her site who is not in fact her boss.  Then, once Janine gets that info, they can in theory move ahead in whichever manner they are deciding to.  I always have the option of on call, and may need to avail myself of it, but it is increasingly frustrating that they show me one thing (the part time job they have been talking about since at least February) and then continue to dangle it far out of reach.    

And so the story goes…….. 

Pendulum

Life is pendulous.  If you are lucky, it isn’t swinging like a metronome at 4 beats per and you get to spend more time in the calm center and not the furthest swings.  However, sometimes self induced and sometimes external, there are times when you spend a little too much time out on the periphery.  Great when you are on a high, less so when you are not.  Lately, I have not been. 

There are myriad reasons why this is so, and nary a one of them is cataclysmic.  I realize that I am very fortunate to have a job I can tolerate and sometimes even like, a loving wife, and a good relationship with friends and family.  It is the constant uncertainty that is undermining my general sense of wellbeing.  The damndest part of that is that there really is no end in sight. 

There is still no timeline on when they are going to post out for my current position and, therefore, no timeline on when they might post out for the position at the Park.  This is due in large part to there being no timeline for hiring a Director and, therefore, no timeline for that person to then hire a manager.  What there is a timeline for however, is the baby.  Whether or not they figure out any of the above, the baby is coming, and I am dead certain he isn’t interested in the politics at my job nor the difficulty in finding childcare that is willing to work around the notion that we will need 3 days a week, we just aren’t exactly sure what three days those will be (and evidently it isn’t illuminating to say ‘not Saturday and Sunday’). 

Of course, clarifying one issue might lead to a bevy of other ones.  Should I find myself down at the Park in due time, there is the question of having a vehicle.  While my in-laws have been nothing if not wonderful about providing us their little used second car, it is not something that Tia or I feel comfortable putting a baby seat into.  Plus there is the fact that it takes premium fuel and gets no better than 13 miles to the gallon on average.  Still, it would take a lot of fill ups to equal another ride and, until we get settled into some more permanent work situations, it is an amazing luxury to have for the time being.    

The only other issue going on at the moment (for me anyway) is my damned allergies.  I am now on enough medications that I can easily breathe out of my nose a majority of the time, but it is also enough that I feel perpetually exhausted and wrung out.  I am not sleeping so much as passing out evidently and am not sure what to do to fix it.  Plus, with the addition of the steroids, I have the added benefit of sweating like I just crossed the finish line at a 5K every time I move overmuch.  I am going to have to start wearing headbands like Lebron so I don’t drip on anyone if this keeps up.  But, again, I can breathe.  So, there is that. 

The upshot is that, eventually, it looks like I will get my wish to cut to part time; just the when and the where need to be figured.  And, eventually, we will get child care figured out, though again it might not put us in an ideal situation from the jump like we would prefer.  And, one would assume that eventually the allergies will have to recede back like the tide and I can go back to just a few antihistamines (a few daily anyway) and find some kind of stasis until the shots finally (hopefully) take effect. 

Until all of that happens though………ugh.  Wake me when its over.   

Kool-Aid

Sometimes life is just overwhelming.  You tend to lose perspective and get swallowed up inside of it.  Working in a hospital helps, because there is always someone in worse straits…generally in the very next room you go into (though, at my hospital, many of these situations are self imposed).  Still, it is hard not to let stress eat at you. 

Tia’s job seems to be, finally, settling in.  Nothing is 100%, but the odds are in her favor that she will be retained at 80%.  My job continues to be somewhat of a mystery, but it is looking more and more like the plan is to hire someone full time for the clinic, have me train them, and then me moving to a part time position at the Park.  This isn’t ideal, but it will work…you know, if it in fact happens.  Until I see a job posted and I apply and am accepted in, I take nothing as a guarantee.  I have seen enough working to know that everyone is expendable.  However, I do get the impression that they are TRYING to make it work for me, which is heartening.  Still, my stomach is doing backflips while I wait to see what actually happens. 

Tia’s pregnancy is still moving along just about how it should except for some edematous extremities, but thankfully it is just retention and not the dreaded preeclampsia.  Her reflux is under better control and she has been, though in fits and starts, sleeping a bit more than she was (though a lot less than she would prefer). 

The house remodel continues its somewhat lurching forward momentum.  Feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back all the time.  We finally get the walls down, but it creates so much mess that it takes a full day to clear it.  Then we start painting and everything is a mess again.  And the list goes on and on and on.  If we aren’t trundling loads of dirt and rock by wheelbarrow, assembling poorly drilled out and vaguely directed pieces of Swedish furniture, or painting, digging, or pressure cleaning something…..well, it must be a weekday.  And while there is no ‘clock’ per se, we are kind of trying to finish it all before August when the kiddo will be making his entrance and anything unfinished will likely stay that way for the conceivable future. 

The newest new thing was seemingly simple and ultimately not at all.  We had to cut a piece of granite.  However, it wasn’t a straight cut….it had to be notched.  So, we bring it to have it cut with a template included.  Tia calls later that day to say that they cut the finished end and then had to re-finish it (it is bull nosed).  Then, I evidently wrote the wrong measurement (though the physical template was correct) and they cut it to my measure (my fault, but annoying they didn’t stop to ask why the template and the measurements didn’t match…and erred on the side of cutting too much rather than too little).  So, as I write this our contractor (who has been nothing if not spectacularly helpful and brutally efficient, truly exemplary) is trying to fix all the above to make it work while not looking like someone tried to fix it to make it work.  Should be interesting.  I will say this, if he can’t make it happen, I have a hard time envisioning someone else could. 

As a side bar this is the stated policy of the granite place. 

Tia: We need to get a piece of granite cut, can you do that?

GP (granite place): Yes, for $75.  But, if it isn’t our granite, we can’t promise you we won’t crack it/break it.

Tia: Um, so if that happens, do you replace it?

GP: No

Tia: Are we still expected to pay for it?

GP:  Yes, because we are charging you for our time to cut it. 

If you go to a restaurant, and they burn your medium rare filet, you would ask that either they give you a new one or not charge you anything.  You would be incredulous if they said something to the effect of, “too bad” and expected you to pay for the time they spent effing up your meal.  Suffice to say we would not have paid and they would have just inherited a now broken piece of granite. 

We also had an exterminator out recently to deal with what can only be called an ant infestation at this point.  We tried out some store bought spray, but to no avail.  Now, our bathtub looks like an ant version of Kool-Aid day at the Jim Jones cult every time we walk in the bathroom.  Kind of gross, but at least we know its working. 

The last bitching I will do is about Short Term Disability (STD).  Evidently, short term disability covers you after childbirth (just the birther of course).  Tia’s starts after 30 days @ 50% of her salary.  For a  vaginal birth you are eligible for 6 weeks and for a c-section 8.  Our thought was this: Days 1-30 we would use Tia’s sick and vacation time.  Then 6 weeks of 50% pay followed by 2 weeks of no pay.  What we found out is that the ‘clock’ for disability starts the day the kid is born.  So, she will get 4 weeks of sick/vacation pay (or whatever of that she has to cover with) followed by 2 weeks of STD (covering you from day 31-44) and then NADA/ZIP/ZERO for the last 6 weeks.  Damn it!  

As for the good things, well we are still employed.  We still have lots of friends and family who continue to be overwhelmingly generous with gifts for our kiddo.  We still have a house that we love and the three best cats you could want (even with the obvious drawback of a cat we refer to half-lovingly as the ‘vomit comet’).  And, through it all, we still have each other (and generally are pretty happy with that arrangement). 

Here is to a better week.  Until then……only 3 more childcare centers to visit. 

 Post Script:  Got home and damned if the granite didn't turn out pretty well.  Our contractor is good.  

If this ride doesn't stop soon, I think I am going to vomit

Ah work.  The perpetual miasma of indecision and misdirection.  I spoke
with one of my supervisors in the morning on Tuesday and she told me 'we
are probably going to look at closing the clinic in August when you go
on leave'.   She did not mean temporarily while I was out, she meant
permanently.  The demands of staffing it when I am gone, the fact that I
do not want to work full time when I get back, and the fact that we
hemorrhage money month to month coalesced into the perfect shit storm.
So, I called Tia to tell her the news.  My options, as they were, are to
see if MP ends up posting a part time gig (still possible, but still not
concrete) or working on-call.  The advantage of on call is the bump in
pay (and extra 10% hourly) and increased flexibility.  The disadvantages
are being the first ones flexed, having nothing guaranteed, and being
required to go to any number of sites to work.  So, not ideal really,
but passable.

Skipping ahead to later in the day, the script gets totally flipped.
Evidently the long awaited financial report finally came through and,
shockingly/mysteriously we actually are profitable.  In fact, per this
report (of which I have yet to see) we are VERY profitable, especially
when you consider the size of the operation.   So now the discussion
isn't how quickly we can close it, but whether or not we should be
posting the full time gig here and getting someone trained before I
leave the full time position in October and, by the way, maybe finally
adding an additional part time position 3 days a week (which may itself
become full time).  So, now I could possibly even stay here.

Of course the reality is no one has any idea what the plan is.  I have a
meeting with the nurse exec next week that will hopefully illuminate
that somewhat.  That is the hope anyway.  Since we still have no
director and the manager role won't be filled until the director is
hired, has time to settle in, and then post the position, interview the
candidates and select from amongst them....lets just say nothing is
imminent.  The big issue for me is that we seem to be so fixated on A or
B, without ever considering C.  Why not just open it part time and see
what happens?  Honestly, that isn't likely to prove disruptive to a vast
majority of our patients and they would not have to change anything at
the moment......and could reevaluate the clinic once whoever they put in
the management positions have time to evaluate it.

This of course not only affects our financial bottom line, but really
impairs our ability to determine a good plan for the kiddo.  How do we
reserve a spot anywhere when we can't say how often we will need the
care?  How to we figure out if we can manage with one car, or need a
second?  The whole thing is a GD mess.  I hope that things clear up by
next week.  If not, just close it and let me collect unemployment and
take care of the kiddo for awhile.  Then we can all be happy :)