Offer accepted (?)

Life is kind of a blur at the moment. 

I have returned to work and today Quinn is officially 1 month old (and -3 days old compared to his theoretical due date).  Though I feel fortunate to have been able to spend so much time at home with him to start (I was only planning on 2 weeks initially for financial reasons) and though it was far more difficult and exhausting than I imagined it to be, I can’t help but feel some guilt for not being there now.  I feel guilty that I am not there for Quinn of course, but mostly I feel guilty that so much is now being put on Tia shoulders.  I feel worse when I hear that it hasn’t been the best of days. 

Yesterday Tia told me she didn’t get lunch until 230 nor shower until after that because Quinn was fussy.  I ended up bringing home dinner, emptying the dishes, taking out the trash, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen and spending time with Quinn.  I don’t feel that Tia should have gotten to these things or that she was somehow deficient by doing anything other than existing and ensuring that Quinn did , I just feel terribly that I am not there to take some of the burden from her during the day.  Of course, after I am at work all day, I am tired too.  But, I fully understand her position.  It is a different kind of fatigue and stress when you can never have time to untether yourself from it. 

There isn’t much I can do about it of course.  On the one hand, it would be great for us both to be home taking care of Quinn and trying to help prop one another up.  On the other, it would be great to have the money to pay for food, shelter, and transportation.  Unfortunately, I haven’t found a way to accommodate both simultaneously.   So we split the difference presently: I work for income, Tia to keep Quinn alive.  At least through October anyways, when things will change once again.   

As for work, a curious thing happened while I was checking our online job listings; I evidently ‘accepted’ the position at the Park.  I did this the end of July.  This is, of course, is what we had hoped and worked towards.  However, I have never actually been officially (or for that matter unofficially) offered the position.  I also have only a vague idea based on some general thoughts from the staff there about which days they will want me to work.  Also, when will I start at the Park?  I have heard as soon as next week, but I nothing definitive.  And, of course, no one seems to actually know and there really isn't anyone definitive to ask. 

Additionally, they have yet to hire anyone for my present job(?) and when they do it is unclear if I or someone else will train them (and if it is to be someone else, they will need to train elsewhere as there is no one here besides me that can do that) or whether I will be asked to come back to do that.  I know they have 2 candidates they are interviewing and those interviews are supposed to happen about the middle of next week.  I know nothing else.   

The hope is that tomorrow will clarify things at least somewhat.  Hard to really say though.  My charge nurse returns then anyway, and she puts together the schedule.  The other charge nurse, of course, had her last official day last Friday.  In between, there have just been fill in staffing.  The same as they have used in the clinic.  This helps us all subsist on a day to day basis, but does little to engender long term stability or functionality.  Because, as you all know, there is less buy in when you are temporary and less you really need to be aware of.  For example, when you rent a car, you will put gas in it as required and try not to damage it lest you have to pay for it, but you certainly aren’t taking it in for oil changes, closely evaluating the cause of the pinging sound coming from the engine, or worrying about the tires, filters, et al.  You don’t worry about it because it isn’t your job to do so.  Your job is just to return it in the same condition you rented it. 

As a department, we fix our sites more and more myopically on the present and less and less project out into the future.  We haven’t even had a manager since February.  But, we know who is scheduled for tomorrow and I am sure we will muddle through it again.  And the next day and the next. 

As always, more to come.  Maybe I will have 'accepted' the managerial position by this weekend.  Stay tuned!