A compromised life

I always tell Tia that a good compromise leaves neither party truly happy. In that case, I made a good compromise with my health..........because certainly no one is happy, least of all me. I put off my surgery until the 25th of August because my work preferred to have 30 days notice for a leave of absence. So, I tried to make them happy. I thought I would be able to work until then and support my co-workers who have been wonderful to me. So, I tried to make them happy. Tia planned a recovery/vacation for after the surgery that I badly wanted to be part of, so I tried to make her happy. But mostly, I tried to make myself happy by playing the role of good employee, coworker, and husband. I have managed to mangle it all while being a misery myself. All the while I have to wonder how I ended up doing this.

In the intervening month, I have managed to have a spotty attendance record at work because my pain is sometimes unmanageable, even with medication. In the worst catch 22 of all, I cant take pain medication at work because it makes me too foggy and languid. However, without it, I am in enough discomfort that performing many facets of my job is an ordeal. I have managed to paint myself, in some ways, as less than reliable which pains me because I take a lot of pride in my work ethic. I may not be the best, but I at least show up :)

I managed to upset Tia because I hobble along when she believes, and not wrongly, that I should have just had the surgery earlier since the problems were relevant even then (though I was trying to satisfy the 30 day notice rule at work). In the meantime, she has to listen to me perform as my own disgusting one man band of bowel related noises all while complaining of myriad aches and pains. It is, suffice to say, more than one should have to bear and I owe her for doing so with such good humor.

I managed to destroy my own health to the point where the most basic of tasks is now a labor. I feel jags of exhaustion and fall asleep at the merest notion of comfort. I grimace at sudden shifts in my posture. The pain medication causes side effects that affect my bowels and make life even less pleasant (causing me to take even more meds to, um, expedite things).

Still, though I use this as a forum for my own bitchings, I try to understand that I am incredibly fortunate. I have a supportive group around me and I have a good life. I know many people do far more with much less. I am trying not to get caught up in the 'why me?' ness of it all.

One week to go now........well, 8 days, until the surgery. I look so forward to it though it terrifies me greatly, if only because I don't know if it will ultimately make things better.

I would say wish me luck on the surgery, but honestly I would just as soon if you were doing so that you wish it for me tomorrow and any other day of work from now until the surgery. I think I may need it.