I am not sure exactly why, but the weather has been a good mirror of my moods of late. A sunny day here and there with a liberal amount of rainy gray. To be sure, a preponderance of events have led to this, but that really isn't something that I can do much about. What I can do something about, or hope to be able to, is finding a way to not let it affect me. At least not so significantly. Usually, for me, exercise helps a lot. It is the cheapest and easiest endorphin rush. It helps me sleep better at night and perform better during the day. It also makes me feel better in general. So, why not just do it then?
Well, excuses come cheap and I have plenty of them. Work has been incredibly stressful and the days have been long and grueling. Family situations have been mentally and emotionally taxing. Selling our house is stressful. And, lest I forget, the ever present shitfest that is the weather here. It isn't that it is NEVER sunny..........it is just not a common occurrence. For reasons of sheer chance, there also seems to be a high correlation between the amount of sun expected and my being at work on a particular day. Last weekend (a 3 day weekend for me), one day of sun. This weekend (counting tomorrow), sun x 3. The past 2 days I have been off, bands of wind and rain. The two days prior when I worked 10 hours shifts, sunny and mild. And so on. I know that statistically it will even out, but it has been an unpleasant run. All I want to do is pack up my stuff, put in my notice, grab Tia and the cats and head south until I find someplace that sunglasses are a necessity and flip-flops aren't something you dust off a few weeks a year. I miss it. I really truly do.
So, whats the answer? Well, hopefully a mix of self-actualization and Tia kicking my ass until I dont need so much motivation. Hopefully the sun will follow and the other issues with subside. Thats the plan anyway.
Tomorrow I am heading to the Big Bad. Not pleased about it, but it is my turn. It fills me with dread like exam days in school. There is nothing you can do to avoid it, and you know it will be largely unpleasant..............but eventually it will be over and you can go on with your life. Until the next trip that is.
Decided against applying for a job that would potentially (nothing is a guarantee) have gotten me away from IV therapy, though I would be doing pretty much the exact same job. The clinic that I shadowed in a month ago is finally looking to hire permanently.
Pros: No hospital work at all. No floating (no other affiliated clinics to float to). Learning chemo administration.
Cons: Staff is, on average, much older (I would be the youngest by at least 10-15 years), nowhere to really go in the department, located downtown which would be a mess of a commute (see Tia's commute).
Overall, I just can't see myself there. Maybe it is a mistake not to apply........but in reality that's all I would be doing. It isn't like I am turning down an offer. That would be much harder to do.
I probably should go to sleep now. 5:30 in the AM comes quickly. How I hate the Big Bad....let me count the ways.
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