Forks

The discussion finally started to get serious last night about going back to school. With the new health care bill there will be a great need for nurse practitioners and I am definitely in a position to pursue that......but how?

First off, I should say that were I to go back to school, it wouldn't be for some time. Admissions occur in January and school starts in May, therefore the earliest I could conceivably start up again would be May 0f 2011, a full calendar year from now. That is both good and bad I suppose. Good: time to explore options, talk to professionals in field, talk to counselors at school, take entry exams that I can actually study for, and generally consider my options. Bad: the program itself is 2 years (at UP anyway) so I wouldn't be done until 2013 (age 36) with an additional god knows how many thousands in loans to stack up on top of my current array of them, the fear I have about going back to actual focused study, and all the life changes that might need to be made to accomodate it (less free time, less money, less time to help out around the house). The good news is that I should be able to work at least the first year of the program full time..........the second year is much more clinically based and would prove far more difficult to accomodate.

The most important thing, however, is that the education would (should) equate to a degree of autonomy that I don't have now and have always craved. It would open up new and difficult challenges that I love and hate equally (but mostly love). It would open up an array of doors. It would put me squarely where I think I should be instead of where I am.............but all that time, and money, and effort seem like such monumental undertakings, just like going back to nursing school did. Baby steps. For now, I need to focus on the GRE and then take the next step. Who knows, by this time next year I might be gearing up for school again. God help Tia if that happens :)

Homeopathy

I confess, I am ignorant as to the difference between homeopathy and Naturopathy. I think they are similar in approach, though probably different in many ways as well. So, I looked it up. While this site might not provide 100% accurate portrayals, it did seem to confirm my thoughts in my limited experiences with both, mainly that Homeopathy is kind of bunk while Naturopathy has at least some elements (perhaps many) of scientific merit. Here is why I think the way I do:

I have been seeing a friend and Naturopath recently for allergies/asthma. I cannot say for certain if it is working, but I can say I am feeling better. There are clinical trials that have studied the effects of many elements of the practice and it largely seems sound, even to someone reared on and currently entrenched in practicing Western medicine. Last night, Tia and I went to see a Homeopath speak on allergies. The concepts, which initially seemed vaguely credible, quickly broke down over the talk with my main concern being her espousal of the idea that dosage DOES NOT MATTER. The idea that you can take something in its most concentrated form and it will provide you the same benefit as its most dilute form. In fact, often the element is barely hinted at in the remedy.

Lets compare that with something more common: aspirin. Now, suppose you have a headache. You might take one pill, you might take 2. You might repeat the dose in 4 to 6 hours if you haven't had relief. You might reasonably assume that a stronger dose would bring more benefit. According to Homeopathy, you could either take 1000mg of aspirin or drop a baby aspirin (81mg) into a gallon of water, shake it liberally, and then take 2 tablespoonfuls of it and achieve a very similar result. You see, it is the essence of the cure that counts. It is that which I have a problem with. The idea of like cures like (flowers to cure allergies, etc) is not unreasonable. However, to assume that concentration and dosage matter not does not compute to me. But then again, maybe it is the belief in the sure as much as the cure itself. Who knows. In the meantime, I will stick with my Naturopath.

The essense of health

Wow! I was shocked when I realized that I haven't posted anything on my blog in quite some time. Not that I am at all consistent, but it is generally not because I just utterly lost track of time. Ah well, time to remedy that.

So, the big BIG BIG thing going on right now is taxes. This marks the first year for both Tia and I that we are not the recipients of the government's largesse. No, this year we are payers. It is hard to complain (not that hard actually, but for the sake of argument we shall pretend that I would have difficulty in engaging in such an act. Its called suspension of disbelief.......and you are going to need it in spades here) since it is due to the fact that our respective incomes have both risen from the year prior by nearly 80% (due in part to a truncated work year on my part) and we remained gainfully employed throughout the turns in the calendar. No minor feat considering the state of our economy. So, while that may mean less vacation and no sudden windfall, it also means that we are more fortunate than most.

in other news, my health has been relatively stable. I am not sure how much to owe it to Jen, my naturopath, and her tinctures, stopping certain meds I was taking that were clearly not benefiting me (and were in fact doing harm as near as I can figure), or how much of it is just chance. All I know for sure is that I like it very much. My APL accrual has never been so robust and taking real vacations now seems likely instead of just a pipe dream. That plus the increasingly good, albeit somewhat spotty, weather and you have a delightful combo (crossing ever finger while knocking on wood and wood-like furniture).

We attended an auction this past weekend that was, well, illuminating. I don't want to slag my old HS, but it was, at best, average for south Florida. Overcrowded (better than 700 in my class, and more than 1000 in my sisters 2 years later and always at more than 2800 total), occasionally violent (stabbings, threats of gun play and the like), and frequently underfunded. Tia's experience was clearly VERY different. Her private HS (St. Mary's) here in Portland held an auction that could not have brought in less than a few hundred thousand dollars. A few of the guests donated $10,000 straight up. Many more donated various amounts less, none altogether insubstantial (they did not even deign to ask lower than $100). I was amazed. The fund goes to lower the overall tuition for the school for each student by a few thousand dollars. Significant, but I still couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't be better spent offer full tuition to students without means or a much larger reduction for those with limited means. Seems like someone who could big $5000 for an Italian dinner for 10 cooked in their home would probably not notice a few thousand off a tuition bill. I also couldn't help but think what a different world it was than the one I knew in HS. Good on anyone who has the fortune to go to such a place. Guess that explains that while nearly 98% of the graduates of her school went on to college than my HS only graduated 57% period.

Been watching a lot of the Food Revolution with Jamie Oliver lately. It is illuminating and his earnestness is rather captivating. Whatever benefit he does for the community in West Virginia, I can say that he has made me start to re-examine my food choices (something I had promised myself I would do anyway). That and books by Michael Pollan make me realize that, sweet Jesus, we eat some awful shit. The latest example being the double down from KFC (pictured above) which is, at the very least, overindulgent and at worst criminally irresponsible. The fact that marketing research has proven (and I am sure sales will validate) that 2 pieces of fried chicken used as a bun of sorts for bacon, cheese, and a mayonnaise sauce could be in any way construed as food is revolting and frightening considering our already burgeoning weight problems. Yuck.

Well, off to exercise. If I need any more motivation I will just look at the Double Down. Blech!

Bend it like...........er, a bicycle riding, coffee drinking hippy

Tia frequently mentions that I talk too much about negative stuff on my blog (mostly work related unfortunately, which is still somewhat negative consider the lack of hours and general unease that floating causes), so I promised I would write something more uplifting. Well, that might be shooting high........how about at least not depressing. Seems much more attainable.

So, one good bit of work news, I got a raise evidently. Who knew? I got a review a few weeks back, but because of the state of finance in the hospital I didn't think it meant anything. Evidently it did. A nominal increase. So, though my hours are fractional, my pay is up by nearly 5% during those hours.

We just returned from Bend.......or frequent haunt. When we want to escape Portland, that is usually where we end up (though we have kind of mutually decided that this was the last trip for us there for awhile. It was getting a bit stale do to repetition). This time we eschewed our normal B&B for a new one at my behest. I can't say I was disappointed as the place was nice enough, the caretakers were lovely, and the amenities were fairly impressive, but it definitely was somewhat less than Cricketwood. The difference isn't that of Wendy's to a steakhouse, but rather two nice steakhouses, one of which throws in free dessert and alcohol........for the same price. The rooms are a little older, but the location is a bit more peaceful. Breakfast is on your time and whatever you want instead of a set menu at a set time. And the free wine and beer dont hurt. Still, it was nice to see something new and different.

I, unfortunately, ate something disagreeable on night 1 and the next day wasn't as eventful as we had planned it to be (which was a bummer more so because the next day, the weather was disagreeable while my stomach was quite amenable), but we did take in a comedy show that was being taped for a special (potentially on Showtime or Comedy Central). It was really interesting seeing all the cameras flying around and the show was quite good (and cheap at $10/ea). We also got to sit in a hot tub (though without the time travel capabilities that the movies would leave you to believe they are capable of) and generally unwind. Always sad to see it end, but the getaway plus a few days on the front end made for a nice 4 day vacation from work. I think we both needed that.

We are officially giving up on the Memory Foam mattress. Sadly, the one we have at least, isn't very comfy. It is ridiculously firm and kind of warm. Thankfully Costco rules and we are returning it and getting a different mattress from them.........and saving a few hundred bones to boot. Of course, this is weeks out (their return policy is good, just not especially expedient), but hopefully bed #2 will be the answer.

One more day on and then 2 off. As always, tomorrow will be a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Hopefully it isn't crazy busy because only one thing is certain at this point, we will be understaffed.

Floating

Floating. It sounds so ethereal. Pleasant. Benign. Unfortunately, it feels nothing at all like that.

Floating is just another rut in an already too rutted road. Another job related downer in a job market where just having a job, any job, is supposed to be a celebration of sorts. The proverbial, thats whats for dinner, if you don't like it then you get nothing.

Since I work at a hospital with 5 distinct sites, it is conceivable that you might land at any one of them rather than your own. Great if you love travel I suppose, but none affords much a change in scenery. Same shit, different place really. I spend most of my floating hanging out at the big bad in NoPo which, not mincing words, I abhor. I always feel lost there. Like I often did in school. Armed with too little information and not enough skill to do what was expected. Compared to my little park, the big bad is exactly that: higher acuity, higher diversity, and higher complexity. I never feel so much like I accomplish much there......but more so tick it off of my list for the day, thank my lucky stars that I won't be back for another week or two, and count myself fortunate to have survived the experience without screwing anything up too badly.

So, perhaps I should count myself fortunate to be floating on the next schedule to the land far-far away........that I will refer to as Nearly Troutdale (or NT). NT is a like sized hospital to the one I most frequently occupy, but on the complete other side of town. Better than an hour drive each way amongst traffic that I have no favorable words for and an even poorer disposition towards.

The whole thing just makes me sad. I took a job where I truly enjoy being........around people I genuinely like.........in a hospital that fits me. And yet, the economy looms large and I am left with a job that finds me feeling often lost around people I don't know in hospitals that I would never opt to work at. But, in the end, what can you do? You can complain and bitch and moan, but you cannot change the facts. You can look around, but the field is barren. I guess I just miss it. I miss having the job that I really enjoyed being at. I wonder if it will ever come back. Part of me doesn't believe it ever will.

One thing I do know however is that, until it does come back, I guess I will just be floating.

Spending money and yada yada

I realize that there is no tacit skill involved in spending money. Anyone can do it, from individuals in deep wells of debt from impulsive purchases, to people in the same holes because jobs have failed them and necessities still need to be purchased. Hell, our government is the worst offender. If only we could all afford to spend without income and do so with regular impunity (or, uh, pass it on to our kids and grandkids............poor suckers :) like the Fed does. Dare to xdream.

I am more mentioning this idea because my wife and I are in the midst of a bit of a 'spree'. I say that with some reserve of course, because we don't tend to spend more than we can pay off and, if we do, it involves careful shopping and some kind of 0% if you pay it off in time deal. Plus, I am a bit of an obsessive researcher. So, what ends up happening is a little give and take until a middle is generally reached. For example, we just bought a new memory foam bed. We started with the concept of buying a new bed period...........a coil mattress like we already have. Then, the reading started. Then the trying out of mattresses. At the end of the week, we went from spending a few hundred theoretical dollars on a coil, to nearly a grand on a 100% latex from Ikea (we balked when their return policy only gave back store credit........that is a LOT of money to spend at Ikea), to nearly $2600 on a Tempurpedic (sp). Ultimately, we landed just somewhere about half the pedic and went with an online bed from Costco. So far, based on Tia's continuing back ailments, I would say it is a mixed bag. I like it though...........thankfully costco has a very liberal return policy. More on that if we need to use it.

We also had to have a new bed frame for our bed...........ended up with a cheap one from Overstock (at this rate I won't need to EVER buy anything at terrestrial stores again). Was under $275 with slats and looks pretty modern and sleek (plus it is metal, so no more particle board!). The first one arrived dinged though.............thankfully Overstock's CS is also stellar and they shipped us out a new (and thankfully undamaged) one ASAP.

We also splurged on an anniversary trip to Las Vegas. I kind of dig Vegas........though I am never exactly sure why. Maybe it is the sheer over-the-topness of it, the spectacle of seeing the Eiffel tower near dancing fountains and pirate ships. Who knows. Whatever the reason, I enjoy my visits there. However, because I am horrendously cheap, I tend to never stay anywhere that would be classified as nice. Or at least not presently nice. We usually land somewhere in old Vegas..........where the rooms are cheap and so is the gambling. This time, for reasons unknown to me since I would not consider myself a high-roller (or a roller period really since I gamble very little), we were offered an incredible deal from the Wynn. I have heard that it is, bar none, the nicest place to stay in Vegas. Not only did they throw us the room for less than $100 a night, they also gave us 2 free tickets to their cirque show, Le Rev (which would have run us about $250 for 2 tickets). At least there are some upshots to our crap economy.......especially in Vegas.

Our last, though yet not consummated, purchase is to be a cruise sometime in the late summer/early fall. A real vacation. Only, it is really not easy to pick which line you want to go on. Each ship is unique in certain ways and so, by giving up one thing you are gaining another. Do we want a small ship that is more personal or a large ship with more to beguile us? Do we want something brand spanking new or would an older ship suffice (granted even older ships are only about a decade at sea)? Is the food most important or the pools? Even picking a room is a bit flummoxing. People rave about balconies, but they add about a grand to the total cost of the trip........money that could go to excursions. You even pay about $300-$400 more for a window that is partially, if not completely, obstructed. WTF is that about? Not that I am complaining about the plenitude of options...........it is a vacation after all. Something to look forward to.......and right now I need it.

While I am grateful that Vegas has been hit by the economy to the point that I seem like a desirable customer, unfortunately it is not going well at LE at present. The Park (where I work) is still above board and doing well, but we are not a stand alone for better or worse and the rest of the system is not turning a profit. So, the result is that we are cutting back just about everywhere............which means a lot of cut hours. They are trying to be equitable and, presently, it is about one shift every 2 weeks they are flexing us. Not god-awful, but it does mean about a 12-15% a paycheck reduction. Not cool when the bills stay exactly the same.

Plus, as an added bonus in my dept, we are being floated around to other sites as the need arises to fill gaps to accrue what hours remain. So, instead of my happy home hospital, I am left to spend too many days at EH (the big bad) where I feel somewhere between incompetent and bemused. It is like perpetually being on your first day at work. I never know where anything is, they are constantly changing the ways they do things and I am never given enough information. Just yesterday I was there and didnt know that my phone was forwarded from the night shift (no one told me), so I spent most of the first few hours wandering around aimlessly for lack of anything to do thinking that I wasnt needed anywhere. Turns out I was and they finally found me on one of the units and passed me a to-do list that had been accumulating. Lovely. To top it off, they start an hour earlier than we do and it is about an extra 20 minutes of driving. Feels a LOT like being in nursing school. No bueno!

The other major event (well, relatively) that has transpired since my last post was my 33rd bday. Christ I am getting old. As if the grey hairs and the accumulating aches arent symbols enough, the damn calender keeps turning. It was a fun celebration broken up in two parts though........one with family, the other with friends. Spent the family portion eating hibachi food, opening presents (still fun no matter how old you get :), and eating yummy carrot cake (which I am assured counts as a vegetable). Big fun. Spent the friends portion at a fondue happy hour, hitting up Ground Kontrol (where I totally rock at Galaga and Pac-Man and suck at pretty much everything else) and then ended up the evening at Pix for some over-the-top confections. What cons there are in this town (predominately the weather), it cannot be said that there isn't an array of things to do, eat, or drink. We nearly (the timing just wasnt working) went glow-in-the-dark, indoor, 3D, pirate mini-golfing as well (yes it is real). My kind of fun.........the utterly ridiculous kind.

I think I have covered most of what is going on. The allergies seem to be leveling out meaning that either: whatever it was is done blooming, the naturopathic treatments are working, or the steroids are working. Hard to know. Will be interesting to try to wean off some of the steroids and seeing if I remain upright (at least I am only on the inhaled ones now.......the oral ones kicked my ass). Gotta stay healthy enough to accrue vacation time.

Hope everyone is healthy and well. Will try to post again within the week. Promise.

Breaking down

Now I won't pretend that I have ever been the bastion of health. I have long had lungs made of the same stuff at Greg Oden's knee.......wrist........er, whole body I guess. Fragile is the word. I spent the majority of my younger years ping-ponging from rail thin to super chunky depending on whether we had a dog or not and, even at my most hearty, I would never be confused with a runner. My body (lungs) just would not tolerate it. I was always more susceptible to bronchitis and colds and flus were recipes for disaster. However, none of that compares to the relative lack of health I have been experiencing of late.

I know the whys........I am surrounded on a daily basis by the sickest of the sick. I am exposed to dozens of people a day, not including all the associated staff and family members. My job is relatively high stress. I live in a verdant evergreen valley that sends forth a litany of allergenic agents that further tax my overwhelmed system. I cannot seem to find a path that leads to me being upright and mobile for more than a few weeks at a time (my wife may argue even less).

What to do remains the most burning unanswered, and perhaps unanswerable , question. I mean, the economy sucks, my family and friends also live in this toxic-to-me valley and my allergist and doctors all seem a bit lost. Well, I am taking what steps I can.

I am applying to just about any job tangentially related to nursing without the same level of patient contact. I am of course getting rejected more often than a 5 footer driving to the rim on an NBA center. It is dispiriting and disappointing, but not shocking. Take a bad economy, mix liberally with a bunch of RNs with more experience seeking re-entry into full time employ, and the results are pretty much preordained unless I can at least get an interview. That rarely occurs of course without an in. The process continues.

The valley seems unwilling to relent in its assault on my person, so I am doing what is within my meager limits to fight back. Meds, meds, meds. oh yeah.......and more meds. I am often left with the choice of spacey and dried out or red-eyed and runny.........like having to pick between warm PBR or High Life. Allergy shots seem to exasperate not alleviate. Docs just want to try more meds. So, I am seeing a naturopath (and friend) in hopes that she has more answers........or at least different ones. I hope. I hope. I hope.

The only other hope at the moment is a large fortune fortuitously landing upon us leading to my being able to quit working and Tia suddenly and inexplicably pining for life in the high desert. I am not sure which is the more, or less, likely of the two. In the meantime, I repeatedly feel like I am failing Tia.........unable to be the person that she wants because I am not healthy enough to be that person always. Just enough to make it appear to be so, but then violently yanked from beneath us both. So, I will just try to focus on what I can control until they make a bubble I can live and work in. Wish me luck as always. I could use it at the moment.

A long time coming

Since I cant seem to sleep (jimmy legs) and haven't sat down to post in what seems like forever, I thought I ought to remedy that situation.

The past few weeks have been long and trying unfortunately, but seem to be moving forward in promising new directions at the moment. Now if I can manage to stay healthy long enough to enjoy it for a bit.

We have been working diligently to stimulate the economy over the past few days (quite the patriots are we) with our largest purchase being a new bed (amongst the smaller, some patio furniture and a grill...........how long until summer?). Until now, I had never thought much about mattresses. With the exception of a diversion into the realm of aquatic slumber (a waterbed), I have spent the majority of my prostrate hours on an inner spring mattress of some ilk or another. All promise a bevy of tranquility inducing features and an array of quilting materials to whisk you off to the land of many Zs, but all bear a stronger resemblance to one another than any striking differences. And for me, they have largely been sufficient if not great. Tia, however, has back problems that have us considering other options........and lo the many that now exist.

I have, in the past 3 days, lain upon mattresses made of memory foam and latex and spring and combinations therein. I have learned about (both in text and video formats) the import of various memory foam densities, the properties of visco-foam, the differences between talalay and Dunlop latex processes, and the relative merits of natural vs. synthetic blends of either type of latex. I have lain upon Tempur-pedics and learned that they control the prices of their products, not the stores. I have also learned that many other companies, reputable and otherwise, claim the same benefits and even better production quality for less. In short, I am up to my eyeballs in it. However, despite my efforts, we ultimately weren't able to glean much direction.

For every glowing review about mattress A, there will be a scathing one. No one can agree. What is unbearably firm for one, offers little support to another. For every exclamation of 'the best mattress ever!' there is a counterpoint comparing said mattress to "sleeping on a pile of rags." How is this possible? So, in the end, you just have to guess. We guessed memory foam, but hedged our bets by purchasing through Costco. While you pretty much buy blind this way, at least we know Costco will take the mattress back if we don't like it. Otherwise we risk having a $1000 credit at Ikea or playing the barter and exchange game at one of the local mattress haunts (btw as an aside, is there anyone more oily than the mattress salesman of today? I swear it is a toss up between they and there bretheren the car dealer. The whole process is fraught with the distinct probability that you are getting hosed on the deal and that, whatever price you negotiate, the next person may be able to finagle something better.....or far worse). Anyway, updates from Tia's back to follow.

The Trailblazers blew the game tonight, which was a shame since we were there to personally witness it, but something happened that I feel illustrates a certain Portland vibe that I have never been able to understand. There was a young man 2 rows in front of me who decided, at some point in the 4th quarter early on that he would prefer to stand than sit. This position, of course, partially blocked my view, but completely blocked the view of the people directly in front of me. I watched for a minute, wondering if they were intending to say something as I could not reach him from my seat. They, of course, did not. Rather they just sat there and tried mightily to peer around him. I promptly grabbed one of the thunder sticks, poked him in the back with it, and asked him to sit. Not rudely, though Tia was a bit aghast. And that, by and large, to me defines something about this city. I have seen, numerous times, cars not get through a light because a car ahead of them fails to realize it turned green. Is this greeted with honking horns? Hell no. Not in Portland, where even the fast lane is peopled by cars going well under the speed limit without anyone seemingly willing to raise a high beam. I know I am generalizing, but it is something that I just don't understand and it always frustrates me. Just thought I would share.

Well, I guess I will see if my jimmy legs have finally calmed and lie down. Hope everyone is digging the sun.

Tomorrow to my friend and naturopath. looking forward to seeing a different view of my health issues.......hopefully a more effective one.

Exhausted

It has been an odd couple of weeks. The kind that slip away into the ether and leave little evidence of their passing than the days advancing on the calendar. January is at its end, and I could not be happier for it because it means one more month closer to open windows, sun, and warmth. I try to avoid thinking about it overmuch, but I have a hard time avoiding it completely.........I hate the winters here. I hate the lack of sun and the constancy of the cold dampness. I enter the winters with a sense of resolve, but it erodes like a sandcastle in an incoming tide by this point. If money were not an issue, I would most certainly have a winter home in the southern climes somewhere, anywhere, with the sun......preferably near an ocean you can swim in. But I digress..........a couple more months is all. The occasional sunbreak will have to suffice for the time being.

Work has been busy and immutable. I grow more and more comfortable with the tasks deligated me, but less enthused about them just the same. I know that is a flaw that I need to work on. I get bored easily and my inclination is always to change. Patience is not a virtue I was evidently imbued with. However, at least at this point I understand that without it, I will be doomed to move no further in my profession (or any for that matter) because you need to build trust through time and effort, not through random chance. So, I chunk my days and look forward to my days off and console myself with the fact that I work with, by and large, exceptional people and a good organization and that is nothing to complain about whatsoever.

I have otherwise been just exhausted in a way that is inexplicable. I have come home the last few evenings from work and nearly been asleep as soon as my shoes were off my feet. Tia has thankfully been understanding. I have also been tormented by allergies that seem to abate only briefly before returning in force. I have tried everything to resolve them short of a bubble, but to no avail. It is hard to determine if the allergy shots are a neutral at this point or are hampering my ability to function appropriately. Bah!

Other than that, I am by and large happy and alive (though a little dispirited at the moment obviously.......not helped by someone evidently using our credit card number to purchase small amounts of petrol. Kudos to Chase fraud protection. They rock!) and just trying to put it all together. In the meantime, send the sun my way if you see it. I would greatly appreciate it :)

PS: Try the beer sampler at Raccon Lodge if you get a chance. Totally worth it!

Allergies and Avatar

So, I was finally swept up into the fervor and saw Avatar and, honestly, it is what I thought it would be based upon the previews, so I was neither wowed, nor overly disappointed. Though, considering the hype alone, I suppose I would lean towards disappointment. The visuals were truly stunning and, much like Coraline, seeing the movie in 2D, would have lowered my regard for the film considerably. Things truly did 'pop' and the depth they were able to achieve was astounding. The colors jumped off the screen and there were breathtaking views galore. However, the story was a direct rip-off of other films. Dances with Wolves comes prominently to mind as does Ferngully. The bad guys were all very 2 dimensional and there were the obligatory overlong action sequences where the #1 bad guy a-hole survives near certain death to fight even more (and of course loses). Overall, I would say this is a movie that lives and dies in 3D, and seeing it without it would be a huge letdown as it is, overall, subpar.

My allergies have been absolutely unbearable the last few days. Not sure what it is, or why, but they are as bad as they have been in some time. Evidently there are many others that share in the misery, so it is likely coming from without instead of within the home. As I type this my left eye is only now losing some of its blood red hue and is no longer bleary, but only after a heavy dose of antihistamines which generally leave me feeling quite spacy and drug out. Though, given the alternative, I suppose I will take the feeling over the effects of the allergies. Yuck!

Little else of note has transpired since my last post. Work continues as always and I continue to vacillate on my desire to find something else (well, I should admit that, should I find something else that interests me and I am qualified for, I would leave in a heartbeat, so vacillate is probably the wrong word) and I continue to strive to find a good balance. Speaking of balance, my head is definitely not at the moment, so I think I will leave this short.

Resolutions?

Resolutions require, well, resolve, which I have in short supply. So, in the interest of the integrity of my blog, I think it might be more accurate to call them wishes. As in, wishes rarely come true, but maybe. Or prayers perhaps, though that seems rather mystical for my secular self. Even aspirations seem lofty as it will leave me deflated when I do not reach them. So, we will stick with wishes I think...........at least until I can find a better term. Long shots maybe?

#1 - Eat less(better)/exercise more - Ah, the dreaded resolution that most, if not all, of us share. I have spent the past year going back and forth with stomach issues that seem to be, finally, resolved after my troublesome gall bladder was evicted. This has led to some minor issues, though significantly less arduous than my GB caused me.......mainly being able to eat whatever I want without much if any bodily retribution. This can pose some unhappy results to someone who unabashedly loves to eat, namely a tightening of clothing heretofore quite reasonably fitted. The surgery also caused my exercise regimen to grind to a screeching halt (though it is my fault for not trying to put the wheels in motion again after sufficient recovery). So, the wish is obvious........lets see if it works.

#2 - Be more positive about work - Having finally had my meeting with the highest up of the higher ups within my department (moderated by HR), I left feeling positive about the possibilities that lie ahead, emboldened to speak up more, and also a bit like there was still much unfinished. So, with hope, things will continue at an upward angle and improve. It is my hope. The job is a good one, my coworkers are stellar, and the hours/pay/benefits are very good. So, another wish.

I could go on, but I think 2 disappointing failures ought to do it for this year :) I hope everyone had a great holiday season (I spent my NY snowshoeing for the first time and absolutely loved it! Who would have ever thought this Florida boy would ever wish to be enshrouded in heavy layers tromping about in powdery ice crystals?) and I wish you the best on your own resolutions/wishes/prayers for the new year.

Words are good

I keep reading all these compendiums, best movies, books, songs, etc, and i thought I should join up with the herd and do a mini one of my own because, well, its my blog. Anyway, those who know me know that I love to read. It is truly one of my favorite pastimes/escapes. There is nothing quite like finding an engrossing book. One that kind of plays on your thoughts when you aren't reading it. One that convinces you that one more chapter would be a good idea before shutting it down for the night.

I like to read enough that, when someone says that they don't like to read, (and people do say that oddly enough........in my mind akin to saying they don't like to eat), I look at them like they just unhinged their jaw and ate a puppy whole in front of me. I am more incredulous than Fabio was when he found out that, indeed, it wasn't butter (read on for more dated references :). I am not saying that we all must read great works of literature.......we all like mindless fluff now and again. I am not going to list all the pulp novels that I read this year because I know that while I enjoyed them, they aren't necessarily compelling reads. So, without further ado, in no particular order, some books I dug and 1 I could not stand this past year.

The lost City of Z - Just a phenomenal read and an incredible adventure and superbly written. I think I enjoyed it all the more because it was true. Cannot recommend it enough.

The Devil in White City - Perhaps my favorite read of the year. The description of the wonder of the world's fair in 1893 Chicago contrasted with the serial murders going on in the city's midst. Once again, more amazing for being true. (Isaac's Storm is also an incredible read btw)

The Terror - brings the horrific trials and tribulations of arctic exploration vividly to life in this beautifully written historical, which injects a note of supernatural horror into the 1840s Franklin expedition and its doomed search for the Northwest Passage. Still working on this one. Ending the year with a bang it seems. Very tense.

Under the Dome - not my favorite work by King (that is either The Stand or the Gunslinger series), but an above average read and an interesting premise. A lot of characters to juggle and a body count rivaling anything else he has ever written.

Into Thin Air - Another amazing but true adventure with sadly tragic results for many who dared to climb Everest. I find it fascinating when people are willing to risk their safety and their lives for such adventure. What compels them? After reading this, I know whatever it is won't be compelling me. Anything by Krakauer is a worthy read.

The Road - Grim and heart wrenching, but gripping nonetheless. You can almost feel the hopelessness.

As an afterthought, I thought I would throw in the worst book I checked out this year: Daniel X - I know what Patterson does is less literature and more throwaway beach reads, but they are generally at least entertaining and brief. I made it through 3 chapters of this drivel and gave up entirely. Truly childlike writing. Terrible.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. See you in '10!

Another Yuletide gone

I had the darnedest time getting into the holiday spirit and now I find myself already packing up ornaments. What happened? I think its that I REALLY miss being off for extended periods over the holidays. Perhaps for some reason that just hammers the whole thing home (or I just like not working for extended periods of time........a given really, just ask Tia :) Being afforded time to recharge and enjoy friends and family is such a luxury. Working on Christmas eve and then the following Sunday just makes it seem like a weekend, albeit a weekend with presents! If this is what growing up is about, I think I will take a pass. Long live the spirit of (an extended) Christmas break!

Work stuff should potentially get more interesting and hopefully more palatable soon as HR is going to speak with the big boss lady tomorrow. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that conversation. Needless to say I am excessively interested to hear how it goes. Maybe it will even lead to at least a short term reprieve. One can dare to hope anyways.

I have some to realize that there is more than just a vague connection between my spending more time on the floor with people who are there with communicable viruses and diseases and my own health concerns (I know it wasn't exactly Holmesian sleuthing). what I need/want is less floor time and more clinic time and/or a new job with much less exposure. The hunt has already begun of course, but will commence in earnest starting the new year. Cross em as always.

Since I haven't acquired any new toys this holiday season I guess I will just go put on my new socks, new underpants and new robe and read. I still love the holidays, but I definitely miss the toys! :)

Hope everyone who reads this had a wonderful holiday and, if I dont post before (a distinct possibility) a Happy New YEar!

forgot about Dre

It is only now starting to dawn on me, and bother me just the same, that the 00's are on their way out. I felt the same way about the end of the 90s though (only this time free from the dreaded Y2K end of the world scenarios). I have a hard enough time remembering and taking stock of one year, let alone a decade. So, what happened exactly?

The 00s have seen me move out of Florida, for a place distant and alien.....the Pacific NW. A place where winter is not just marginally different than any of the other seasons. A places where you have to own things like pants and can't wear flip-flops 350 days a year. A places where the beach is a place to look at, not to swim in (and you frequently wear the aforementioned pants). A place where trees change colors and humidity means rain. It has been an odd transition, but one I am quite happy that I made.

The 00s found me graduating from college, not once but twice (the second time to far happier and more successful result). It found me engaged, not once but twice (with eerily similar results to college). Married once. First house purchase. First new car. First real job (amongst many now). First surgery. First recovery. First trips to Asia and Europe (and last desire to go to Asia for some time). First 401K. First loan repayments. First bouts with the difficulties and successes of being an adult. First gray hairs (and surely not the last).

With still a few weeks left, who knows what will happen, but I am thankful that they are nearly over if only because I know I made it through them, and sad because there were so many important memories.

Work work work & is that gay?

The suspense is killing me with work. More interviews, more damning comments. Still, no action. But, I understand if only because I have no choice otherwise. I think one of my coworkers comments summed things up most succinctly when asked about our manager by HR "I have learned to just avoid her. She doesnt back anyone up ever and my job is just easier the less contact I have with her" (I paraphrase of course). Fun. In the meantime, absence continues to make the heart grow fonder......the longer we dont see the manager, the happier we all have been.

Tia likes to tease me constantly about my 'gay male' qualities by putting imaginary checkmarks in the gay column every time I enjoy something less than definitely masculine. Its funny (and true). So, I thought I would try to compile a compendium of sorts:

Gay things (and I write this meaning no offense as I could also just as easily categorize them as feminine things):

1. Spas - love em. From pedicures to full body massages, I cant get enough. Scented oils, yes please!

2. Some Rom/coms - Here I am a little more picky. I will laugh and cry along with the 'good' ones, but hate them by and large. Give me When Harry Met Sally or any Meg Ryan film before she got all plastic surgery on us and I will likely watch and enjoy. Throw in Mr. McConahey (sp) or J-Lo or anything with 3 generations of women and I would rather take a hot poker to my eye. But Julie and Julia, second helpings please!

3. Camping/outdoorsy stuff - I am game for a short hike or a visit to a scenic point or natural wonder, but I draw the line at sleeping outdoors or getting unneccesarily dirty. I will take my nature in little bites thank you.

4. Fixing things/craftmanship - I am inept. Maybe that gene hasn't activated just yet. My dad is so good at it too.

Things that lean masculine:

1. Sports - love em. Cant get enough minutia about them.

2. Movies where things blow up. I can no longer handle bombastic Michael Bay type inanity, but who doens't love a good action adventure with a point ala Star Trek or violent stylized violence like in the MAtrix or James Bond.

3. Musicals or singing competititions - unless there are actually instruments, count me very much out. Musical movies/shows are particularly bizarre to me (looking at you Glee!), though I have made exceptions to this rule (Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog).

4. Dancing - see above

Certainly not a definitive list, but I thought funny enough to write about. Now, if you'll excuse me I am off to grab a latte and a pedi :)

The plot thickens

Well, the ball is officially rolling (and picking up momentum) at work. More and more issues are cropping up regarding the head of my department and some come complete with specific instances. If this doesn't all end up affecting any change, then I will know that this isn't the place to work for much longer. I still think that, largely, the issue lies with communication, but it doesnt help that that issue coincides with so many other deficiencies.

As for non-work, things are going well considering this is the stressful holiday season. Looking very much forward to Christmas and a short getaway for new years.

Finally got an elliptical and even managed to assemble it with Tia with a limited number of half-articulated frustration profanities. Huzzahs all around! Now I realize just how out of shape I actually am. I think I got winded climbing up on it the first time. Baby steps to fitness.

The week that twas

The beat goes on at work, though an albatross has been lifted. I finally had the opportunity to air my grievances against the powers that be and it was, if nothing else, cathartic. I realize that I also now managed to put myself into a safer spot by being the whistle blower. Anonymity will prove no saving grace, but plastering my bitchfest around ought to be at least good for some safety because the one word that no company likes to hear is retaliation. My coworkers will be talking to HR as well and hopefully a cohesive argument will come together and things will move in a better more positive direction at work. If nothing else, I feel good having stirred the pot and pushed back rather than curling up in the corner and hoping.

Other than that, it has been a lot of work days followed by more work days. Many days spent surfing the floor with my cart-o-stabby things hawking central line possibilities. It is easier to just accept it for the time being, though I REALLY want to just use a week of sick calls and take a trip somewhere sunny and warm. Anyone know a wealthy benefactor?

Don't have a lot of drama of otherwise spectacular happenings to report. Looking forward to trying to put together my new elliptical machine without the loss of much blood or the spilling out of too many profanities. I'd bet the over if I were you.

Sunny side

It is REALLY easy to get bogged down in your own personal drama. We all play the martyr now and again and see only the negative side of things. Woe is me abounds. I know, at least, that is how I have felt of late at work.

Truth be told, though I do truly abhor the upper reaches of management for the way they talk down to everyone else and their take it or pack up your shit and go mentality, I don't have to see them often. Too often for me to be sure, but not with any real frequency. Yes, I am going to try like hell to find a more ideal situation and yes I will continue to vent on my personal bully pulpit, but I will also try to find some perspective. Although, I am finding that sometimes perspective finds you.

I work around the truly sick all day. I see people at their last breaths too often. I don't, however, feel very connected. You have to distance yourself or you would go crazy. But, in the midst of it all, my cousin has come to visit. She is now dealing with her 4th bout of cancer, has had more body parts removed than a Camry in a chop shop, has lost her job and insurance and yet remains overwhelmingly upbeat. I am amazed. I wonder how I would deal with the same. I doubt I could persevere nearly as well.

So, in the interest of perspective I will say that, to a person, EVERYONE I work with has been on my side (at least to my face :) and supports me. I will also say that, it isn't a bad place to work even if I am alone pushing a cart all day. I will also say that I finally at least said my piece to the people that matter at my organization and I feel good about that. In the meantime, time to put my head down and try to make it to the end of the year as my near term goal.

Off to finish up another football Sunday.

Figuring stuff out

I hear it from many many people, or the spouses of those people........career confusion. There are those, like me, who just drop out of life as they know it (and in the process, commit themselves to a year in an arctic tundra) in order to open new doors. There are those who take even longer. There are those of us who don't or can't pursue that opportunity at all. There are others that simply won't because of the fear of the unknown.

Even making a change affords no guarantee that the door you open isn't one you would shortly thereafter wish to bolt closed once again (or wall off entirely cask of Amontillado style). We conceptualize and hope that any change will be for the best, but barriers continue to crop up that you cannot anticipate.

My own example was going through nursing school and hating, hating, hating a majority of what I was asked to do while in school on the floors of the hospitals. If I wasn't cleaning up after incontinent patients, I was cleaning out trach tubes, emptying catheters, or bathing the invalid. I could scarcely conceptualize myself in a career doing those things day in and day out for years. It wasn't until near the end of the program that I got a glimmer of hope: interventional radiology. A place where patients flowed in and out and the day rarely involved any of the things that I found so horribly unpleasant. The same could be said for short stay, PACU, and OR jobs. Or in psych units, clinics, infusion, or research. The avenues are limitless and seem only to be confined by my own knowledge (or lack thereof) of opportunities. However, where things only that simple.

What I have learned thus far in my brief nursing career (and other careers pursued) are the following: Some places don't understand training and have a poor idea of the experience (see: lack of) of new nurses, educators, etc. (Here's looking at you Willy Falls). The situation becomes a complete dumpster fire quickly and the only way to escape the conflagration is to drop and roll your way out.

All places promise far more than they deliver, whether it be hours, work conditions, or training schedules. There is always a discrepency between what is said at the interview and what becomes upon hiring and, I should note, it is never a discrepency in your favor.

Managers can't help but meddle. I have not been a manager, so I cannot speak from experience, but it appears more often than not that managers sit idly at fairly reliable intervals (perhaps there is an internal clock of some sort......like a managerial circadian rhythm) and dream up reasons to tweak, twist, or turn things on there head for either their personal amusement or to muck up the works so it appears they are indeed doing something. Rarely, it should be mentioned, are any of these changes well thought out (if thought about at all) and even more rarely do they actually prove to accomplish anything other than flustering the drones such as myself.

Workplaces are, if nothing else, unpredictable. You may well be finding your right career, but may end up around all the wrong people in doing so. Or, nearly as bad, a few bad apples may make the workplace less than it could be.

I am sure there is a point to be found somewhere, but I am not the one to seek it out. To all those who seek out something better, more compelling, or just different.........I have been there, am still there, and will probably be traveling there all my life and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Blood

Sometimes I think that I have a very peculiar job. Perhaps its not really all that strange in reality, but there are times I can't help but stop and think, 'How the hell did I manage to find myself doing this?' The human body holds from 8-12 pints of blood (higher end for men, lower end for women), and I have carried that much in baggies down the stairs on a busy day. I pull it from people who are too high in iron, and infuse it into people too low. I draw it out for labs and have my gloved hands covered in it during central line insertions. I constantly evaluate veins and puncture them with increasing success. More blood. Everywhere I turn and everything I do seems to revolve around it. Considering just how much I used to recoil at even conceptualizing it, I often think it is such a queer turn of events that has led me to a specific part of a profession which has me around it almost constantly. I no longer see it as anything other than any other fluid, though I am consistently amazed at the variations of viscosity and hue. Now, if I could only being to feel that way about fecal matter. Somehow I doubt it.

things are settling at work. Well, I am acclimating anyway. Perspective is a beautiful thing and, sadly, a number of my co-workers are having far rougher goes of it than I was. Work is work and you can get away from it, but personal turmoil follows you. I wish them the best as they deal with their separate situations. I have just decided to embrace the cart and all that comes with it, from the difficult starts to the always unpredictable PICC lines. The clinic is easier, and often more predictable, but I will do what I have to until the next challenge presents itself, and try to do so with as little grumbling as I can manage.

I am off to enjoy a day without work. Not a hard thing to do I admit.